ArpitGarg's Weblog

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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

In reply to Karan Johar

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Karan Johar, I read your heart wrenching post as how bad you are trolled on twitter and the rough life you have to lead due to this. I am saddened by the harshness that people meet out to you. I mean you are son to a rich father, yourself super rich, director, actor, judge of TV shows. But still these very bad people on twitter treat you with such bad words. I am appalled.

I can’t bear in much longer. I am breaking down in tears, listening to your pain. You suffered enough when the ‘freedom of speech’ was obstructed when Udta Punjab got cuts. So much so that you went on your knees, at least that’s what your post said. You didn’t feel the same when MSG was banned, is a different matter altogether. What is your fault if you and your Bollywood circle wished MSG to be banned? It was not a good film after all.

And now twitter. My God! How can people do this to you. Such suffering. Social media where a lots of profiles are fake. How can such fake people say bad things about YOU. Leave aside the fact that most of the celebrities are trolled similarly; mostly rich and successful. Modi is trolled, Shahrukh is trolled. Such has social media evolved. But how can they do this to you?

I share your pain Sir. Maybe the coolness of your Air Conditioner. Maybe the comfort of your SUV. Maybe the huge walls of your house are not able to comfort you. I suggest, lets you and me lynch these bast***s who say such bad things about you. Don’t they know how rich and successful you are?

And thanks to you Sir. Your pain and therapist interventions swayed my mind off the fake problems like farmer suicide, inflation, shortage of water, heat, dust, poverty, hunger, disease, dowry, rapes, molestation, female infanticide. My total concentration is on you First World Problem now. How a rich guy with multiple houses, who spend a lot of time abroad, is a Bollywood’s go to personality. How can you be trolled? How much more you have to suffer. Already 100% clean water supply is too much for you to bear. You have to bear, not facing the heat and dust. You have to bear not sleeping hungry at night. Hell you have to bear not travelling in local train like animals. How much pain. I again break down writing this. Hope you see my tears Sir.

And thanks to great NDTV, which listed your blog post on the front page of their News website. Without their endeavor, I might not have come to know of your pain. Thanks Great NDTV. Some might accuse you of some scratch the back thing. But NDTV, they would be so wrong. Please you don’t feel hurt like Karan by comments of such pathetic losers. You are great NDTV. Please do share such pain and first world problems of other millionaires. What if we live in India, we have every right to listen to First World Problems.

And Karan Sir, again, don’t feel bad. I am here to listen to you. I am here to console you. I feel your pain Sir. Please let your therapist know that there are people like me who adore you. And hell, you even have to bear visiting a therapist. When 90% don’t even have to bear visiting a doctor, ever. People would say that it is coz they are poor. But don’t let them fool you. These bad people make excuses to not bear the pain of visiting a doctor.

So much pain I feel from you. I might go numb of shock.

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Written by arpitgarg

June 16, 2016 at 8:03 pm

Barber-ism

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haircut.JPGGoing for a haircut have always been an ordeal for me. One can call it a phobia, laziness whatever, I have always felt an inertia heading to a Barber. As a  result more often than not, I am found with heavy hair. I started calling it my signature style after the fact.

During my childhood, it was my Grandfather who used to take me for the haircut. “You look Junglee, Come let’s make you human again”, he used to say. That was the only the time when I wasn’t hesitant to go. Since then I have always procrastinated.

I think mostly it is due to me being lethargic. Or maybe it is due the futility of the chore. They will grow up again anyways; also they doesn’t stop me from doing anything. Sure, some people do comment on the long locks, others call me untidy. But I get some compliments too.

The fun part is, whenever I do go for a haircut, I pledge that from then on, it will be a regular thing. Alas! to no avail. In the blink of an eye, 6 months go by. Same long hairs, same untidy look. Another reason can be I was heavy built during my teenage. And subconsciously long hairs would have made me look a bit lean. Silly reason, but that’s all I can think of.

I went for the haircut yesterday. Pledged to come back sooner than later. But I know it is an exercise in futility.

Written by arpitgarg

April 26, 2016 at 11:20 am

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Random Conversations

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Random Conversation about nothing at all,

The Fat Cherry: I don’t have a reservation in train. What should I do?
The Constant: Don’t worry; you can still board the train. Pay something.
The Protégé: Take a bike ride.
The Dreamer: Don’t go.

The Constant: My leather shoes are good.
The Fat Cherry: Are you sure they are leather.
The Protégé: Hush Puppies are leather. These are not Hush Puppies.
The Dreamer: No Bro.

The Protégé: Ola has started cheaper ride.
The Constant: Why don’t you buy a car?
The Fat Cherry: You can give me a ride then.
The Dreamer: Hey Bro.

The Dreamer: It’s hot. Did you turn off AC?
The Constant: I didn’t do it (Smiles)
The Protégé: I don’t feel hot.
The Fat Cherry: Someone get it on.

Written by arpitgarg

March 11, 2016 at 5:18 pm

Posted in Funny

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Pope just Trumped himself

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I don’t really like to go after religious figures as faith of a lot of people is concerned. But when Pope Francis on his visit to Mexico took a dig at Donald Trump by saying, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian”, I couldn’t but feel amused.

I have studied in a Christian missionary school for 12 years and have a lot of regard for the faith. But this one was hilarious. More than anyone Christians should be offended by what Pope just said. In fact Pope’s reflection in the mirror should be offended by the man. It was a self-goal. Before I begin, have a look at the image below.

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You see a sanctuary surrounded by end to end wall, that’s the Vatican City, where Pope lives. It is the place of Christian faith. I have been there once and it’s majestic. But for Pope to question walls, reeks of bad judgement. To be fair he was just trying to be good to his hosts, the Mexicans, who have taken quite a beating from Trump of late.

Vatican City is 110 acres of walled enclave. And to me it’s fine. But Pope’s blooper seemed to have left a lot of his follower’s red faced. They are having hard time justifying the Vatican wall. In a bid to out-wit Trump, Pope has just Trumped himself here. Well happens to the best of us.

Written by arpitgarg

February 19, 2016 at 3:52 am

Trump and Cartman: The Super Trolls

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cartman_trump.jpgThose who have seen animation series Southpark would be able to get what I am referring to. I am big fan of Southpark which is a satirical animation series about a bunch of school friends. It is a big time satire on anything and everything. And the most famous of its character’s is Eric Cartman. I just love this guy.

He is the epitome of satire. He has no filters on his mouth. He can insult anyone and everyone at the drop of a hat. He is so witty and so awesome. Best part is he speaks the truth. To some, Eric Cartman is a racist, anti-semetic kind of guy. But in real what he portrays is the ‘not politically correct’ person.

It’s a humorous show and Cartman is super funny. Not unlike Donald Trump. Now I am no one to discuss the politics of Trump. I want to touch the similarity of Cartman and Trump. I love them both for the entertainment they provide.

Cartman also has the Trumptantrum as they are calling it now. In an episode, Cartman fakes verbal Tourette’s and throws such damn good insults on all and sundry. He is a character much before social media came into vogue. But he is the original troll. And Trump is well regarded as the king of trolls.

Not sure which way USA will vote, but my wishes are with Trump, not because of his politics (which I not know much about), but because he personifies my favorite animation character, Cartman.

Written by arpitgarg

February 4, 2016 at 6:51 pm

Posted in Funny, Political

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Lalit Modi, Sushma Swaraj saga: Who said what and What they really meant

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Disclaimer: This post is an art of fiction, laced with humour and should be read accordingly.
Time is a great leveller. The Lalit-Sushma saga that has been unfolding has brought a lot of people riding on morally high horse, thrashing to the ground. Like all of you, I have been following the story, given a lot of free time I have! A lot of people has given a lot of statements over last few days.
Obviously they were camouflaging the real statements. Let’s try and find out what they really meant.

1. Sushma Swaraj:

 
What she said?

I took a humanitarian view. What benefit did I pass on to Lalit Modi – that he could sign consent papers for surgery of his wife suffering from Cancer ?

What she really meant?

Phas Gayi ri Sushma. Thought Lalit Modi was some relative of Narendra Modi. Ek Modi ne Minister banaya. Doosra le dooba. A lot of people are dying in India. Lot’s of slum dwellers right here in Delhi. I am happy that their slums are demolished. No humanitarian consideration for them. But Modi is the new Gandhi. All should know. 

2. Rahul Gandhi:

 
What he said:

Who is Lalit Modi? He is man of black money. Now Narendra Modi ji is saving another Modi. BJP can say all they want to, but the truth is that PM is saving a man with black money.

 
What he really meant:

Everyone who cut my holiday short, have to bear the brunt now. And I really don’t know Why is Lalit Modi? Please help me out here. I don’t even know what black money is, I only know black coffee. They handed me a script and I just read it. Waiting for next foreign holiday…

3. Rajnath Singh:

 
What he said:

We want to make it clear that whatever she has done is right. We justify it and the government completely stands by her.

What he really meant:

Bhad me Jao Sab ke Sab. Mere beta toj jaise taise bach gaya. Abki baar, Sushma ki Haar. I am least interested in all this. My post has anyways be made ceremonial by Modiji. Do whatever you want to do. I am too old for all this now.

4. Digvijay Singh:

 
What he said:

I want to ask the Prime Minister, I want to ask finance minister, why are they keeping quiet? Is he a fugitive? We want to know?

What he really meant:

I want go ask God, “Why Rahul Gandhi…Why…What mistake have I done”? I want to ask Sonia Gandhi, why she brought Rahul to the world? Is he really human? We want to know? Uh…My Son got married…now time for me to get married. Yay!

5. P. Chidambaram:

 
What he said:

The complete answer to Mr Lalit Modi’s accusations against UPA can be found in the letters to the UK Chancellor. Release them.

What he really meant:

I retired knowing that I won’t be re-elected. I walk fast and look busy, it keeps from knowing how dumb I am. I got a zero in Economics 101 in exam. What else could I give the country. I myself lost crores in share market. And they wonder why economy was ruined!. Ha…ha.

6: Lalu Yadav:

 
What he said:

Sushma Swaraj is a woman. She should not be pestered over the issue. Political parties should not pester her more.

What he really meant:

Ei toh saala hona hi tha. Ab chara kha ke gobar hi niklega, sona toh nahin niklega. She is a woman, don’t pester her. I am a senior citizen. Don’t pester me too. Waise bhi bahut preshan hoon, budbak!

7: Ram Gopal Yadav:

 
What he said:

Political parties often help people on humanitarian grounds. Sushma Swaraj has a long outstanding political career. Why will she take a favour from Lalit Modi?. It was totally on humanitarian grounds.

What he really meant:

My minister got a reporter burnt alive. Central Govt. hasn’t yet asked for details. You should know why. Tu meri kuhja, mein teri khujaoon! We also need the help on same humanitarian grounds to sustain the Jungle Raaj!

8. Sharad Pawar:

What he said:

I bumped into Lalit Modi while having lunch at a London restaurant three-four weeks ago. I told him he should come back to India and face the law. 

 
What he really meant:

What a bump that was. Like a bump caught! Junta is fool. They have believed my nonsense all this time. They will believe this too. I bumped into Lalit Modi in the big London city while having Lunch by chance. They will also believe that I advised him to face the law. They will also believe I am the Queen of England

9. Arun Jaitley:

 
What he said:

Swaraj’s decisions were bonafide and she acted in good faith. The entire government and party are one on the matter. The minister is capable of taking decisions on her own. When she needs to seek government approval she will do that.

What he really meant:

Foreign relations have improved faster than the economy. She was edging past me in performance. Good riddance! Goverment and party is together on the conclusion that She has taken her the decision all alone. So please humko baksho.

10. Kirti Azad:

 
What he said:

#BJPs #AsteenKaSaanp & #Arnab conspire against BJP leaders. Guess the snake? IStandWithSushmaSwaraj @SushmaSwaraj

What he really meant:

Because of Jaitley, I couldn’t rise in Cricket Administration. I stand with anyone who is against Jaitley. Waise bhi mujhe kuch bhi bolne ki aadat hai. Meri sunta hi kaun hai!

Written by arpitgarg

June 17, 2015 at 6:00 pm

Posted in Funny

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Kaun Hai Yeh Vikaas?

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Since 9 months of Modi Govt are over, people of India have been doing rounds of Birth Registration offices across India to look if Vikaas has been born or not. Okay Bad Joke.

A lot of things doing round on social media and people are seriously looking for Vikas. Kaun Hai Yeh Vikaas?

I received a message on my Whatsapp, “Modi Sarkar ke 9 Maheene Poore, Kejriwal CM Ho gaya. Kahin Kejriwal hi toh Vikaas Nahin?”. When Kiran Bedi said, “My name is Vikaas Bedi”. People got confused. But then she lost and that debate was nipped in the bud.

Top detectives of India took it into their hands to find out who Vikaas is. Below are the excerpts from when they met.

ACP Pradyumn: Chupp ke baitha hai yeh Vikaas. Kuch toh Gadbad hai Daya. Kuch toh Gadbad hai. Aakhir chupp ke kyon baitha hai yeh Vikaas? Kya zaroorat padi isko chupp ke baithne ki? Har darwaja tod ke dekhna padega (Finger swirling).

Karamchand: Shut up Kitty. Ahem Pradyumn. Yeh bhi koi sawaal hua. Swaal toh yeh hai, ki kya sahi mein yeh Vikaas hai ya behroopiya hai? Is Vikaas ke mukhaute ke peeche Kaun hai? Kitty…Kitty.

Byomkesh Bakshi: Mujhe toh lagta hai ki Koi Vikaas-Bikaas tha hi nahin. Ajit, yahi asal baat hai. Par phir bhi sab Vikaas ka naam baar baar le rahe hain. Is rahasya ki jad tak jaane ke liye humein gawahon se ek baar phir baar karni padegi.

All three of them went to talk to the witnesses.

Tumne dekha hai Vikaas ko?

Witness 1: Nahin Maalik. Humein toh nahin dekha. Suna bahut tha. Gaye bhi they haspataal hum toh. Doctor sahib ko bhi nahin pata hua ki nahin.

Witness 2: Kal ekdum aisa laga ki Vikaas chilla raha hai door. Bahut dhoondha. Bas awaaj hi sunayi di. Kaunoo pishaach laage.

Enter The Muffler Man.

Mufflerman: Arey ab bhi nahin samjhe. Yeh Vikaas Chunavi Jumla tha ji. Chunavi Jumla.

Akbar-Birbal jodi: He…He.

Written by arpitgarg

February 23, 2015 at 9:47 pm

Posted in Funny, Political

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