ArpitGarg's Weblog

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Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Fart by Heart

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I am travelling via train to my hometown. Given the upcoming extra long weekend, the trains are bulging with passengers. Just as I settled in my seat and started to take a nap, I woke up with a nauseating smell.

My fellow passenger introduced us to the lunch he took earlier in the day. It was a sickening smell which left us looking for cover in true sense.

My head became heavy and heart beat a notch higher. Just as I tried to acclimatise, the next attack. I lost all my senses and the will to live.

Since all I can think now is fart, I thought to put it to creative use. How does the below things smell now?

1. Flip-fart
2. Fart-tey raho
3. Fart bina chain kaha re
4. Fart-ti utaaroon main
5. My fart will go on…
6. Fart-tiya ilaaz hai bhaisaab.
7. Deepak Chourasia Fart Tak
8. Aisa com-fart aur kahan
9. Fart se maar do isey
10. I like Fartists.

Written by arpitgarg

September 30, 2014 at 7:58 pm

Posted in Funny, Real Incidents

Tagged with , ,

Should Have Been

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Should have been a fish,
Sometimes I do wish,
Swim across the ocean,
Splash aqua, lots of fun.

Should have been a bird,
If my voice was heard,
Fly front n back, low n high,
Mine would be whole sky.

Should have been a ‘roach,
But maker didn’t approach,
Nothing to care or to attend,
Be alive even if all else end.

Should have been a Sundae,
If they followed my fundae,
Chocolate fudge n Whipped cream,
Has been one of those dream.

Should have been a chicken,
Out of my wishful thinken’,
No fights, No shouts loud,
I could always chicken out.

Should have been a popcorn,
It’s what I want, why u scorn?
Poppin n Jumpin quite a lot,
Put in oven, my backside hot.

Should have been a turd,
Formed out of milk n curd,
Gave a fellow satisfaction,
As I came outta captivation.

Written by arpitgarg

September 30, 2014 at 6:30 pm

Posted in Funny

Tagged with , ,

दाढ़ी वाले बाबा

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कुछ बचपन की यादें ताजा,
करता हूँ तो उठते कुछ सवाल,
सुना बहुत, पर होता क्या है?
टिंडे की जड़ औ बाल की खाल।

बाजार से जा दो टिंडे लाया,
सुबह से शाम किया उन्हें हलाल,
लेकिन फिर भी ढूंढ न पाया,
टिंडे की जड़ औ बाल की खाल।

सुबह मैं तड़के नाई के पहुंचा,
औ सफा कराया एक एक बाल,
घिर गयी रात पर हाथ न आई,
टिंडे की जड़ औ बाल की खाल।

जब कभी मचाया था ऊधम,
जोर से मरोड़ा गया था कान,
एक बार जो तू हाथ में आएगा,
चूहे की कोठरी में डाला जाएगा।

पूरे दो दिन से जगा हुआ हूँ,
चूहों के पीछे ही लगा हुआ हूँ,
हर संभव मैंने कोशिश की,
पर न मिली कोठरी चूहे की।

एक और किस्सा याद आता है,
डराया करती थी जब माँ मुझको,
बेटा अगर तू खाना नहीं खायेगा,
दाढ़ी वाला बाबा उठा ले जाएगा।

एक दिन सोचा कि व्रत मैं करूँ,
औ दिन भर कुछ न खाऊँ पियूं,
चौखट पर बैठा टकटकी लगाये,
पर दाढ़ी वाले बाबा नहीं आये।।

Written by arpitgarg

September 16, 2014 at 1:24 am

भक् साला

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जब दिखी कोई सुन्दर कन्या,
मन मचला सा क्यों जाता है,
जैसे बिन चाबी का ताला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

उस दिन तो यारों हद हो गयी,
घर का रास्ता ही भटक गया,
कोई वशी-इत्र उसने डाला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

सब्जी लेने को गया था मैं,
वहां किलो-२ भर तोल रही,
धनिया भी मुफ्त में न डाला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

सोचा चलो जांच मैं करवा लूँ,
आँखें हैं ठीक, बोली डॉक्टर,
पर चरित्र है तेरा कुछ काला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

फूलों की टोकरी, रख सर पर,
बेच रही वो, लगा पुकार,
मेरे मन ने बना ली वरमाला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

सोचा कई बार, त्याग दूँ सब,
आखिर कब तक करूंगा मैं,
मस्ती तफरी, और मधुशाला,
चल हट दिल नौटंकी साला।।

Written by arpitgarg

September 15, 2014 at 3:01 am

Posted in Funny, Hindi, Poetry

Tagged with , , , ,

The Air

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Remember that moment; when you were alone with a beautiful girl in an elevator. Ah! That ever rising elevator with a stranger. You tucked in your tummy; took out your new Smartphone; swiped your hairs; a curious peak; the most charming smile. Just when you were about to hit pay dirt, a whiff of that air, breaking the silence, causing her to cover her nose and leaving you embarrassed.

Has happened to the best of us. One wonders that air can be this critical. Timing is important too. I had a friend who felt disgusted when someone did it in his presence. His solution was you should go out of the room in case you feel the itch. I reckon what his solution would have been for the elevator.

Another scenario. You are giving an interview. Things are going hunky dory. Then come the air. In a panel interview you can probably deflect the blame. But in a 1-0-1, what can you do? One might even lose the rhythm. No pun intended.

Similar thing could occur during the first date, first day at job, during a presentation. The list is endless. Can we do anything? Well I for one have not been able to. I guess some things are beyond our control. One can either let it pass, or twist in agony till it pass.

Written by arpitgarg

September 9, 2014 at 8:01 pm

Posted in Funny

Tagged with , ,

An Open Letter to Open Letters

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It has become a trend these days to “Write an Open Letter”. I too stand guilty. There might be good reasons behind but I find it a service in self glorification. I’ll tell you why.

Firstly these Open Letters serve no purpose of a letter. To whom they are addressed to, never (or next to never) reads them. It’s nothing but a fake letter. 99% of the time, it’s criticism of one or the other things about a person, suggesting him/her to do this or that; this way or that way. It’s nothing more than a barrage of harsh words. A façade is created just to sound interesting.

Mostly it is written to a person who is well known. Writer feels to piggyback. Editors of newspapers/new-channels also write them. Why? I ask. You could easily interview that person. Or write a normal article about him/her. Why the Open letter. I just don’t get it. Which can also prove me plain silly, if others get it.

I have tried Open Sandwich; Not good, Open Bus: It rained, Open Day at School; Got an earful, Open House Interviews; Thrown out, Open Relationship suggestion; Got slapped, Open top car; Bee attack, Opened a Company; Went near bankrupt.

So much of Opens have screwed me over and over again. It might also be the source of my hatred though I suspect not.

Just for my sake, next time you write a Letter, be sure to close it and post it. Don’t leave it open. Not good manners.

Written by arpitgarg

August 28, 2014 at 10:46 pm

Posted in Funny, General/Society

Tagged with ,

All party meet (Satire)

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Indian Parliament is in grave danger.  The very existence of our Neta’s is under threat. I am talking about bad quality of food in Parliament canteen. How can we expect the lawmakers to function without good food?

Gauging the graveness of the issue, Venkaiah Naidu promptly called an all party meet. There was a huge ruckus. “One at a time please. One at a time”, he pleaded.

Mamta Banerjee: No gooood fooood, areeee baba. This is a conspiracy by Govt. to suppress the voice of people. Ei no cholbe. Ei no cholbe.

Sushma Swaraj: Kaisa waktavya prastutt kiya hai? We also eat here. Blaming the Govt. is like not getting the pulse of the nation.

Mayawati (gate-crashing): Idhar aa tu. You are right we are not getting pulse but in canteen. Paani jaisi dal. Yeh manuwaadi log. Yeh manuwaadi mansikta.

Rahul Gandi (facing the wall): Only one voice is being heared in the canteen. The voice of the waiter from Centrefresh (kaisi jeeb laplapaayi) advt. I feel it. My mother feels it. My chauffeur feels it. My gym instructor feels it.

Sumitra Mahajan: Dekhiye, as Tai, I want to give everyone time to speak. However big or small. Manager or waiter. I will go by set precedents on it.

Rajiv Pratap Rudy: I did not become a minister. “Papa ki toh lag gayi“, my kids are made fun of. I make jokes on Congress just to soothe some pain. Congress wont be allowed scrambled eggs given they are scrambling for LoP. They just ate a humble pie. Aren’t they full. He He. Sigh!

Jayalalita: I don’t have the pull on NDA as in the yesteryear. But if Govt. awards me the canteen contract, I will side with them  while deciding on dessert. My dream of Amma Canteen in the Capital.

Derek O’Brien: How long can I survive on Bournvita. I see hands of the cook dripping with gravy as he holds them up. But when food is served we get no gravy. “Where does the gravy go?” You have 30 secs to answer that question.

Mulayam Singh: We have been hit by inflation. Earlier we used to get bulk discount. Now we are just five. No discount. Ab per head jyada aata hai. Are these the acche din?

The argument went on for couple more hours. All that was agreed upon was the date of the next meeting.

Modi was seeing it all from spy cam. With a notorious smile he chugged at this laptop as he ordered a pizza. “Simple”.

Written by arpitgarg

August 26, 2014 at 2:00 pm

Posted in Funny, Political

Tagged with , , ,

How Santa found Happiness!

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A little girl prayed to Santa, “Santa I don’t ask for much, please just make my loved ones happy”. Saying this, she slept.

After listening to her request, Santa went across the world looking for happiness. He went to Malls and shopping complexes; Mountain tops to depths of oceans; from heaven to hell. He couldn’t find happiness anywhere. Exhausted Santa sat down panting.

He scratched his head. Nothing! He then went to his best pal, Jesus. Buddy, a silly little girl has troubled me. Now where am I supposed to find happiness? Jesus smiled. Took out a gift, all wrapped up, out of his pocket. Inside it lies happiness, said he. Relieved Santa took it and delivered it to everyone she wished.

I just opened my gift. There was a mirror. I saw my face in it. Happiness is inside me. Happiness is inside everyone one of us! And we spend our whole life searching for it.

Happy happiness!

mirror

Image Courtesy: http://www.wikipaintings.org/

Written by arpitgarg

December 26, 2013 at 5:15 pm

Posted in Funny

Tagged with , , , ,

पकपक

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बकता हूँ मैं दिन औ रात,
आखिर इतना बकता क्यूँ हूँ,
सुनाई बस यही देता है,
पकपक पकपक पकपक पकपक|

एक ही बात दिन ब दिन,
आखिर नहीं मैं थकता क्यूँ हूँ,
कहते हैं सब, बंद कर अपनी,
कचकच कचकच कचकच कचकच|

एक बार जो बात हुई, सो हुई,
सौ सौ बार उसको करता क्यूँ हूँ,
समझ में बस इतना आता है,
भकभक भकभक भकभक भकभक|

दोहरा दोहरा, तिहरा तिहरा
बात की बात ही खत्म हुई,
बात में बस जो बात बची, वो थी,
पटपट पटपट पटपट पटपट|

पहले तो फिर भी सुनते थे जो,
कान बंद किये उन्होंने भी,
उनको भी अब लगने लगा था,
खटखट खटखट खटखट खटखट|

अब तो मैं खुद भी तंग आ चुका,
बेइज्जती अपनी करवा करवा कर,
मुझको भी अब सुनने लगा है,
बसकर बसकर बसकर बसकर|

चुप हो जाना चाहता हूँ मैं,
गुम हो जाना चाहता हूँ मैं,
चाहता हूँ मैं जीना फिर से,
मरकर मरकर मरकर मरकर||

Written by arpitgarg

December 14, 2013 at 3:44 am

Posted in Funny, Hindi, Poetry

Tagged with , , , , , , ,

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