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Archive for February 2011

Sachin Tendulkar: Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO

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With Cricket World Cup played in India this time, CBI tried its level best to nab the betting mafia across the country. They raided many places, intercepted a number of calls, rounded up various persons.

In due course of their investigation they tumbled upon a secret. A secret so explosive, it had the potential to rock the very foundations of cricket. CBI sought help of Colin Powel who was able to sniff Biological Weapons of Mass Destructions (WMD’s) in Iraq even before they were made. “He can sniff into the future”, said a source.

Powell’s sniffing powers were used to sniff out the truth which caused sniffing problems to the CBI sniffers. How sniffy!

Colin1 Colin2

I somehow got hold of For Eyes Only report submitted to the CBI by Powell. Being an ardent fan of Wikileaks, I can’t hold but leak it over on you guys. The truth being,

Sachin Tendulkar is not human. He is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine
from DRDO (Defence Research and Development Organisation)

Master Blaster

The Fact Finding Closure Report
on
The secret that caused sniffing problems to the CBI

Object:
Sniff out the truth about Sachin being Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.

Findings:
When CBI first called me, I was sniffing Hamburgers in my sleep. Turned out I had some extra the night before. Anyways, I have been on the job from day one. My findings are based on observations, proofs and witnesses below.

1. Twin Bat Theory
Sachin uses Not One but Two Bats simultaneously. It is just not possible for a human to use Two Bats. As an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, only Sachin has such a power. The other bat being invisible we are not able to see it from naked eyes. Hot Spot might be able to intercept it, hence Sachin has opposed UDRS. CBI used military grade technology to get the pictorial evidence. Look closely.

Two Bats1 Two Bats3

Two Bats4 Two Bats2

2. Sachin can inflate/deflate himself
This came as a shock even to CBI. Kudos to DRDO! It’s very tough to infuse inflation/deflation power in a machine. In fact very few super heroes have such a power. He uses the scientific fact that air has weight. He inflates his right arm with air and generates huge power to play master strokes.

InflateAir

3. Multiple Sachin
There are multiple Sachin roaming around. No two consecutive matches are played by same Sachin. This gives time to rectify any wear and tear which leads to consistency. Evidence has been provided by a dysfunctional prototype of the same generation known as Vinod Kambli who was created along with Sachin.

Multiple1 Multiple4 Multiple3

4. Project Sachin was commissioned two years before the first World Cup
Investigators have found out that Project Sachin was started way back in 1973 in a bid to win the inaugural World Cup. Like everything else in India, it got delayed too. On when to retire Sachin, a prominent scientist associated with the project told us on the promise of anonymity, “We can’t stop it. It’s out of our hands. It won’t stop till it fulfills its target of winning the World Cup. It’s designed that way. Don’t you get it?”

Born1 Born2 Born3

5. Sachin is Ambidextrous
Like all other machines, Sachin is ambidextrous. He has tried to keep it hidden from public but we are not the ones to be fooled. He writes with his left hand, Cuts cake with right hand, bats with right hand. A perfect machine!

Ambi5 Ambi2

He can even bowl from one hand and bat from the other simultaneously.

Ambi4 Ambi3

6. Anatomically Speaking
Sachin’s Infra-Red imaging and its subsequent studies have revealed that he is not human; definitely a machine. Look closely at the curves, the joints and the posture; the ligament, the tissue and the liver; the heart, the head and the toe and tell me that he looks Human.

Ana1 Ana3 Ana4

7. Induction in Air Force
Give the shortage of pilots, Sachin has been inducted into the Indian Air Force. They made it to look like an honorary post. It’s far from truth. It is said that Sachin can convert his body into a fighter jet just like Tranformers and IAF will reach invincible levels post his induction.

IAF3 IAF2 IAF1

8. He lives in shell shaped chamber
Sachin lives in a shell shaped chamber. He is not designed to stay in a normal house. He wanted the new house to be built like a shell but has to reject the idea coz media got hold of it. Here is what the house would have looked had it been build. Similar is the shape of the chamber inside his house in which he resides.

House1

9. The record speaks for itself
If all this proof if not enough, just look at his batting records. Don’t tell me you think a human can play for so long and create such records. While we are sure Don Bradman was an alien, Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.

Record1 Record2 Record3

10. Testimony Down Under
Ricky Ponting and Greg Chappell have stated on record that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, that they have no doubt whatsoever.

“I tried sniffing, licking and eating Sachin’s bat in order to get some DNA proof, but never found any, thereby confirming that he is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO  and thus have no DNA at all for me to lick”, said Ponting.

Aussie1

Greg Chappell said, “I never wanted Sachin to open the batting and suggested him to retire coz I always had my doubts about him being human. He confessed to me once that he indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO and that he uses Two Bats. He even showed me how. He then injected some serum into my neck and I forgot all about it, until now when everything is coming back to me.

Aussie2 Aussie3

Deduction:
My sniffometer says that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO. My recommendation is to invade Iraq.

Deduct Iraq

Sumbitted by:
Colin Powell
One man sniffing machine

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शादी मुबारक हो दोस्त!

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बात उन दिनों की है,
जब बेफिक्री का आलम था,
फ़ालतू थे, वक़्त नहीं कम था,
संग में छड़ी थी वो सीड़ियाँ,
संग में लिया था पहला कदम|
 
वो पहला कश, वो पहला जाम,
वो चुराया हुआ पल, वो अधूरा काम,
संग में छेड़ी थी कुडियां,
संग में डाला था दाना,
वो देना सफायियाँ, नया बहाना|
 
हर दिन नयी कसम,
बस आज से पढ़ेंगे,
नया अध्याय, शुरू करेंगे,
और वही हर बार का काम,
दिन को लुक्खागिरी, रात को जाम|
 
वो संपादकीय लेख,
वो अपनी धौंस जमाना,
देख लेंगे साले को, अगला लेख उस पे,
पता नहीं है पंगा लिया है किस से,
साथ-साथ थे, इसलिए सब कर गए,
वरना यही कहते कि, ‘… लग गए’|
 
वो पालतू बिल्ली जो थी,
आज भी याद आती है,
बिलोंटा देखते ही,
उसकी चीख निकल जाती थी|
 
संग में मिलकर दुनिया को गालियाँ दी,
अलग-अलग शहर चले गए,
नज़र लग गयी उसी ज़माने की|
 
तू अब नयी ज़िन्दगी शुरू करने जा रहा है,
बहुत खुश हूँ दोस्त तेरे लिए,
तू सलामत रहे यही दुआ करूंगा,
क्यूंकि करता हूँ में खुद से भी बहुत प्यार, 
मेरी उम्र तुझे लग जाए, यह नहीं कहूँगा|
 
तेरी होनी वाली जीवन साथी से,
तुझे मिले अपार प्रेम,
जब कभी तेरे घर आऊँ,
वैसे तो दोस्तों से कम ही मिल पाते हैं,
एक कप चाय पिला दे भाभी बस,
यह ना कहे, “कैसे-कैसे दोस्त आ जाते हैं”?

Why do we Celebrate Birthdays?

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Like always, I threw a party for my friends this birthday. We celebrated, ate, I got gifts et al. This year was different though. I turned 25; a quarter of my life gone. According to a legend, man lives total of four lives. First 25 years “life of a human” when he enjoys, next 25 years “life of a bull”, when he works like hell, next 25 years “life of a dog”, when he barks and no one listens to him. And the last 25 years “life of an owl” when he is awake at night and listens to everyone without his own existence.

Accordingly I am done living the enjoyment part of my life. During early years of my life I used to wait eagerly for this day. New clothes, gifts, money. As fate should have it, I started falling ill on my birthdays regularly. At the age of 8 my Grandma decided enough is enough, no more celebrations. “Logaun ki nazar lag jaati hai chore ko”.

From that day, I avoided opulent celebrations, a tradition which I have carried on since. It has been just a few close friends, raising a toast and a small cake cutting; personal and close. Inadvertently I have moved on from opulence to sobriety.

I often wonder why we celebrate birthdays at all. When and how the tradition started? It could not have started before the advent of calendars, right? We just celebrated birth and death prior to that. At birth God gifts life, at death God takes it away. Both events take us closer to God. Hence the celebrations.

During winters, days get smaller, and as summer approaches they start getting bigger. Early people thus considered advent of summers as rebirth of Sun. This was among the first annual birthday celebrations by man. When calendars came into existence the same was applied to birth of the son (sun, Jesus) and effectively to every human being.

So what does birthday celebrations signify during our modern times? Are we celebrating the coming year, are we celebrating the accomplishments of the past year, are we celebrating surviving yet another year?

If we are celebrating the future life, than with each passing year, we have less and less reasons to celebrate. So should a septuagenarian celebrate any less than a guy in his twenties? If the answer is no, then one thing is quite clear that we are not celebrating the future life.

Are we celebrating the past year? But why? The past is past. It is gone. It is a like the sand which has dropped out of the hand. It is like the wind that has passed. We could have admired it as it was happening but why should we celebrate the past. Though we often raise a toast to the past years accomplishments during the party, it’s just a filler.

Since we move one year closer to death, we are for sure not celebrating the gift of life. Coz we are one step closer to that gift being taken away. It will be a delusional stunt of defying death if that is what we are celebrating.

What I feel is that birthdays are just a timely reminder of our existence in this vulnerable world. It’s a way by which we feel ourselves. We realize our existence. “Look, I am still here, despite what life has thrown at me. It’s just another way to celebrate who we are and where we have come from. It’s just another way to announce ourselves.

The Sex called Fairer

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Have you ever wondered why females are called the fairer sex? What is the origin and meaning of the word fairer here? I have always wondered but given the attraction towards women, I never had any problem in calling them fairer. Never had inkling to doubt it for a second, lest I should earn their wrath. Well that’s fine for me given that I once surrendered the whole of Arunachal Pradesh to a Chinese girl. But I know you sons of the soil would not sit still, till you have un-earthed the reason. So here’s it for you.

There are numerous explanations floating around, given that the phrase is quite old and with time people tend to make their own theories.

First Men found women more attractive as compared to other men. They were more pleasant to look at. Fairer here was used as a tool for flattery. The croaking of the frogs! Simply put, women are prettier than men. I agree.

Second Wealthy European women used to remain indoors, avoid sun and thus remained pale. Their skin color was of a light hue and not dark. The fair color, over the working females, showed their wealth and prosperity.

Third It is a sexist term. With the division of sexes between male and female, various properties came to be associated with each. When men were considered “the better” and “the sterner” sex; women were “the fairer”, “the gentler” and “the softener” sex. Thus fairer differentiated women from hard-working, rugged, tough, dirty, hairy men.

Given this explanation it’s rather surprising how the sexist words of the old have found respectable places into our modern and rather tolerant society. There’s a contention here too. According to a research, women were far more involved in the atrocities committed during the Holocaust than previously thought. A doubt has been raised about them being really fair.

Fourth There’s an interesting anthropological angle to this. Girls are fairer haired after puberty than boys, hence the usage. Though I am not too sure about it personally.

Fifth Girls are better than men in taking ethical decisions given that they are “fairer” in their choices. Well, I will let the readers decide on this one!

एक सताती बात

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एक सताती बात,
कि होता क्यूं है तांडव,
बने सब कौरव पांडव,
बीच बाज़ार के आगे,
न कोई पर्दा ढाके,
न कोई अपने क्यूं है,
न आते सपने क्यूँ हैं,
रात दिन, दिन रात|

एक सताती बात,
कि क्यूं कोई भूखा सोता,
क्यूं कोई बच्चा रोता,
अनाज है धरती देती,
मुफत, ना पैसे लेती,
क्यूं फिर सबको न मिलती,
फ़कत दो वक़्त की रोटी,
रात दिन, दिन रात|

एक सताती बात,
कि क्यूं कोई इतना लोभी,
ना आती लाज जराभी,
जब है कोई बहू जलाता,
चंद रुपयों की खातिर,
बने कोई इतना शातिर,
कि बस पैसा ललचाये,
रात दिन, दिन रात|

एक सताती बात,
बुढ़िया की किस्मत कैसी,
कि उसकी आँखें तरसी,
पर उसका पूत ना पूछे,
उसे तो बोझ लगे अब,
जब निकले सब मतलब,
कहाँ पे हुई थी गलती,
यही ईश्वर से पूछे,
रात दिन, दिन रात|

एक सताती बात,
कि देखो खाखी-खादी,
करें देश बर्बादी,
औ हम सब चुप कर देखें,
बेबस धृतराष्ट्र के जैसे,
वतन का हरते चीर,
अरे अब जाग भी जा तू,
तुझे धरती है पुकारे,
रात दिन, दिन रात|

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