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Posts Tagged ‘Funny

ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज

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भूख लगी मुझे आधी रात को,
सोचा रसोई में रखा हो कुछ,
नहीं मिला कुछ, पड़ा था बस,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

नींद भी थी और भूख भी थी,
कुछ मिल जाए जल्दी से बस,
पेट की आग बुझाएं कैसे ये,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

कुकर चढ़ाने को हुआ जो मैं,
देखा कि थी सीटी नदारद,
खाना नहीं मिल पायेगा आज,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

छीलूं कैसे अब आलू को मैं,
चाकू कहीं जो मुझे न मिलता,
थक गए पेट के चूहे भी नाच,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

कच्ची प्याज ही खा जाऊं क्या?
ऊपर से पी पानी भर गिलास,
इस व्यंजन पर मुझे नहीं है नाज,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

बनाऊं दो प्याज़ा या आलू दम,
भूख नहीं दिख रही होती कम,
कुछ है गड़बड़, गहरा है राज,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

मुहँ में पानी, महक और स्वाद,
मेरे अंदर का भुक्कड़ मुखर,
सपने भी आते खाने के अब,
ढाई किलो आलू और प्याज।

Written by arpitgarg

February 21, 2016 at 2:40 am

Posted in Hindi, Poetry

Tagged with , , , , ,

Love smells funny

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Oft’ heard love is in the air,
Never told what the smell is,
Dark of night to mornin’ sunny,
I bet love just smells funny.

Oft’ heard No Sorry in Love,
Why Greeting cards to Say Sorry,
No Sorry, can lead to mutiny,
I bet love just smells funny.

Oft’ heard love makes one poet,
Never told it’s the heartbreak,
Makes one to gamble, to rummy,
I bet love just smells funny.

Oft’ heard, Love at first sight,
Never told about sights thereof,
If it were all just lust honey,
I bet love just smells funny.

Oft’ heard No substitute for love,
Never told of those who tried,
Replacement bought from money,
I bet love just smells funny.

Oft’ heard Most Alive when in love,
Never felt we were dead all along,
It’s rumor spread by dead bunny,
I bet love just smells funny.

Oft’ heard Love is endless,
Never told Love is too short,
Forgetting it is long agony,
I bet love just smells funny.

Written by arpitgarg

November 20, 2015 at 2:10 pm

Posted in Literary, Love

Tagged with , , ,


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Disclaimer: All names and places are real. Nothing has been altered as the target is to make fun of people involved.

How to define Popat? Well its a situation when someone has a bad experience which seems hillarious to others. We call it iska toh popat ho gaya.

Let me relate an incident. A couple of my friends were going to a collegaues wedding. They had a train to cath from mumbai. One of them came from Pune. They were all set to catch train from Mumbai Central.

Their train was at 11:45 in the night and they discussed plans to gulp a beer or two at Marine drive before proceeding to Central which is 10 mins away from there.

The fun was their train was from LTT which is quite far even for late night roads. Had they reached Central and would come to know of the goofup, we could say ki Popat ho gaya.

Hope this makes the meaning and usage clear. Poor chaps would be left licking their wounds, while we audience would be discussing and writing blogs and making fun at their expense.

Unfortunately fate intervened and a third party (me) who shared the wassapp group on which this discussion was going on pointed out the obvious. So popat hone se bach gaya.

Written by arpitgarg

February 20, 2015 at 10:26 pm

Posted in Funny

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Haaoo Haaoo

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Whenever my wife argue with me, I dodge the situation by saying, ‘Haaoo Haaoo’ (How How in UP dialect). “You don’t do a single chore”; Haaoo Haaoo. “You forgot my B’day”; Haaoo Haaoo. “You don’t love me anymore”; Haaoo Haaoo.

It is sort of asking her to elaborate on the reasons. But real motive is to turn frown into a smile. A lot of tense situations can be diffused by such simple gestures. No escalations. All of us know this very well but choose to act otherwise. We fight argument with counter-argument. Insinutaion with insinuation. It does nothing but makes matters worse.

Munnabhai movie depicts a nice way of Jaadoo ki Jhappi (magical hug). Nothing better to diffuse a situation.

Never escalate a situtation, specially not at home. If you don’t agree with me, I would just say, Haaoo Haaoo.

Written by arpitgarg

February 14, 2015 at 6:41 pm

Posted in Funny, Personal

Tagged with , ,

भक् साला

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जब दिखी कोई सुन्दर कन्या,
मन मचला सा क्यों जाता है,
जैसे बिन चाबी का ताला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

उस दिन तो यारों हद हो गयी,
घर का रास्ता ही भटक गया,
कोई वशी-इत्र उसने डाला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

सब्जी लेने को गया था मैं,
वहां किलो-२ भर तोल रही,
धनिया भी मुफ्त में न डाला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

सोचा चलो जांच मैं करवा लूँ,
आँखें हैं ठीक, बोली डॉक्टर,
पर चरित्र है तेरा कुछ काला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

फूलों की टोकरी, रख सर पर,
बेच रही वो, लगा पुकार,
मेरे मन ने बना ली वरमाला,
दिल करे कि बोलूं भक् साला।

सोचा कई बार, त्याग दूँ सब,
आखिर कब तक करूंगा मैं,
मस्ती तफरी, और मधुशाला,
चल हट दिल नौटंकी साला।।

Written by arpitgarg

September 15, 2014 at 3:01 am

Posted in Funny, Hindi, Poetry

Tagged with , , , ,

The Air

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Remember that moment; when you were alone with a beautiful girl in an elevator. Ah! That ever rising elevator with a stranger. You tucked in your tummy; took out your new Smartphone; swiped your hairs; a curious peak; the most charming smile. Just when you were about to hit pay dirt, a whiff of that air, breaking the silence, causing her to cover her nose and leaving you embarrassed.

Has happened to the best of us. One wonders that air can be this critical. Timing is important too. I had a friend who felt disgusted when someone did it in his presence. His solution was you should go out of the room in case you feel the itch. I reckon what his solution would have been for the elevator.

Another scenario. You are giving an interview. Things are going hunky dory. Then come the air. In a panel interview you can probably deflect the blame. But in a 1-0-1, what can you do? One might even lose the rhythm. No pun intended.

Similar thing could occur during the first date, first day at job, during a presentation. The list is endless. Can we do anything? Well I for one have not been able to. I guess some things are beyond our control. One can either let it pass, or twist in agony till it pass.

Written by arpitgarg

September 9, 2014 at 8:01 pm

Posted in Funny

Tagged with , ,

2012: The year that wasn’t

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Topmost could have been headlines of year 2012.

1. India demolishes Eng 3-0 in the home Test Match Series. Tendulkar hit his first triple ton. Gambhir is vindicated of “see you at home” remark. BCCI decides to scrap away Tests from ICC Future Tours Program. BCCI chief Srinivasan said and I quote “All Tests played in Chennai will be Home Tests and those played elsewhere in the country will be Away Tests”.

2. World not able to witness 21st Dec 2012. Just as predicted by the great “Ronald Emmerich” in his movie 2012, owing to Earth Crust Displacement and massive Earthquakes, 90% of human civilization is wiped off. This news is telecasted from US Space Station. John Cusack is among the survivors.

3. London Olympics 2012, turned out to be a disaster, overshadowing Delhi Common Wealth Games. Kalmadi was grinning from ear to ear with, “I told ya sa” expression. Anacondas and Godzilla’s were cited around athletes’ village. Organizers are blaming it on different perceptions of security standards across the world.

4. US Presidential elections were marred by an act of shooting when a heated argument between Obama and Romney got out of hand. Both took out their M16’s and started shooting at each other and the audience. The audience were already dead of boredom so no harm done.

5. 2012 was landmark year in India as far as women safety was concerned. Women Safety Bill 2012 was passed in the parliament, which led to Women only Police stations and death penalty for rapists. Country saw ZERO rape cases and only handful of eve-teasing incidents this year.

6. AK series phone have made Nokia the market leader in Smart Phones. Foldable screens and Phones which could shoot better than AK47 have done the trick. “We don’t need to buy a gun for Mass Shootings, We buy Nokia instead”, said a consumer. Apple will be filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy during March next year. Samsung is in talk with Yahoo for a possible sellout.

7. United Nations Security Council intervens in the Julian Assange’s case. US/UK could face UN sanctions owing to gross human right violations. Wikileaks brings to light more facts that no one was aware of. “Sun rises in the East”, “Earth is round” and “Blueberry cheese cake is awesome”.

Among other news.
Chuck Norris was not able to kill two birds with one stone. Rajnikant was cited asleep. Superman wore underwear under his pants. Batman finally played cricket. Vivek Oberoi became superstar. Chacha Choudhary got beaten by new Ipad in chess. Manmohan Singh saw movie of his choice.

Written by arpitgarg

December 31, 2012 at 1:20 pm

The IPL Team that wasn’t

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IPL auctions, held recently grabbed everyone’s attention. With millions of dollars floating around, it turned out to be a landmark event. Not everyone seemed happy though. Some politicians were enraged by the amount of wealth at display. “It’s pathetic”, said one. Its gross” said another.  “Why were we left out from earning the moolah. It’s wrong”. “Let’s form a team and enter the IPL. Let’s rename it the Indian Political League”, came one suggestion. “Yes, let’s do it”, they gave a Spartan cry. We will show who the real boss is when it comes to earning monies.

“From next time on Mr. A. Raja will be the auctioneer given his huge experience with 2G auctions”, they passed a resolution. “All those who want to bid for someone at a cheaper cost, pay me 20%, I will bring down the hammer. I am the 1st, 2nd and the third umpire”, Raja promised. Point well taken!

The team was called, “Indian Commoners”, given the “aam aadmi” thing is in vogue. The team is as below.

1. Suresh Kalmadi: The way he accumulates money, he can accumulate lots of runs. His tendency to generate money out of nowhere is seen as his ability to get wickets out of nowhere. He is a genuine all rounder. He can even keep the umpires happy, if you know what I mean. He never hogs the limelight. Always owes it to teamwork.

Kalmadi 1 Kalmadi 2

Kalmadi 3 Kalmadi 4

2. Sharad Pawar: The Maratha pride. He is a bit lethargic in field. Takes time to move; needs a little push sometimes. But with him on the side, the team can make records, given his habit to make records of prices of onion and sugar. He does not care much about win or a loss. Cool as a cucumber. After all he is not a jyotishi.

Pawar 1 Pawar 2

Pawar 3 Pawar 4

3. RR Patil: A master planner. Sometimes caught off guard, when the opposite team strikes. To him even a huge loss does not matter. After all such small things happen. He is like a phoenix, rise from the ashes. The only thing that goes against him is his evident dislike for cheer leaders.

Patil 1 Patil 2

Patil 5 Patil 3 Patil 4

4. Mamata Banerjee: Bound to appeal a lot on the ground. Ei No Cholbe, Ei no Cholbe. Will sit on hunger strike if umpire does no give favorable decisions. Batting and Bowling will be on track with her in the team, well almost.

Mamta 1 Mamta 2

Mamta 4 Mamta 3

5. Sheila Dixit: Hell of a worker. Can make 200 in just 2 over’s when time comes. Though old age affects her memory a bit and she keeps forgetting things, considered a long innings player. Is well regarded for her mystic youth.

Sheila 1 Sheila 2 Sheila 3

6. B. S. Yeddyurappa: With him, we will have our grounds to practice and play on. Whatever pitch/land/conditions we want to practice on, he will grab it and will make it available for us. Also he will cry when caught, so umpire will not give him out. He likes to keep himself in shape too. He respects the coach a lot.

Yed 1 Yed 2

Yed 3 Yed 4

7. M. K Alagiri (Karunanidhi’s son): He will hardly be present during the match but during the pre and post ceremonies, he will be there to complain that he is never given a chance to perform. Such spirit!

Ala 1 Ala 2 Ala 3

8. Nitin Gadkari: Will sit on the opposition and kill them. He is dealer and so is easy to deal with. Will keep asking for a wicket from the umpire. He will not let the match go on and may do a walkout, till his request is acceded to. His motto is “Eat and let Eat”, and eats up the wickets of the opposite team.

Gad 1 Gad 2

Gad 3 Gad 4

9. Narendra Modi: Tried his hand at umpiring. Took no decision and the two teams came to blows. Want to enter this time round as the player. The team is bound to win, err…only the home matches perhaps.

Modi 1 Modi 2

Modi 3 Modi 4

10. Rahul Gandhi: Likes to play test matches, slow and in whites. So that might be show-stopper. But has a fan following among elite youths (where the money is), so might be able to bring in sponsors. Also is young. Invest in future.

Rahul 1 Rahul 2

Rahul 3 Rahul 4

11. Manish Tiwari: His team is the reigning champion and he never misses a chance to be smug about it. He will murder anyone who says anything against his team. Such is his loyalty. Don’t need to know the context. All he knows is defense. He is the Wall. He can take on one, two or even three bowlers at the same time.

Manish 1 Manish 2

Manish 3 Manish 4

12. Jagan Reddy (12th man): He is a good fielder and practices a lot. Be it ‘Odarpu Yatra’. He has a lot of female fan following too. Charming! The flip side is that he will not play unless made the Captain. He will make a new team from the breakaway players if he is refused the Captain cap.

Jagan 1 Jagan 2 Jagan 3

13. Sourav Ganguly: Pissed at his exclusion in the IPL, he gave his name for Indian Commoners. Unsold here too. Left has told they will find a role for him and no team in India is possible without him.

Sourav 1 Sourav 2 Sourav 3

Satyam, Rice, Hayden and me

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Last few days have been quite eventful. Satyam went bust, UNSC voted for ceasefire in Gaza strip, Hayden retired and I lost a kilo or something. All events, huge on their own.

Satyam Fiasco
It might sound a bit harsh but frankly speaking I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams that a person from down South could pull off such a scam. Admit it; South Indians are considered quiet naïve by us North Indians. We think they lack the shrewdness needed for such an occasion. For us from the North such things are nothing new, as one of my gujju friend rightly exclaimed, “This will go down as one of the few financial frauds in which no gujju is involved.” Going by the examples of Ketan Parekh and Harshad Mehta, this didn’t come to me as news. Let me admit it, People from South, I have been wrong till now. You guys are not so naïve after all and have full capabilities of performing such a scam and can take us guys from UP, Bihar or the Gujju stronghold, head on. Also there is a need for a personal apology to all my South Indian friends for my considering them naïve and at times un-sansarik. Sorry Manda, Vamsee, Ajay and company. I have been so very wrong.

UNSC vote on Israel
This was another case of male chauvinism post the master and slave poster of Singh is King in which Katrina was sitting on the floor with Akshay as King on the throne. Poor Condoleezza prepared and arranged this whole resolution and Bush, the master made just a call and she had to abstain from voting, being left thoroughly embarrassed. We can be quite sure such an embarrassment would not have been meted out to a male Secretary of State. Die Die feminism, long live male supremacy.

Hayden retired
At last God you granted my wish. I so love you God that I can even give you my dear cell phone, if you ask me right now. Finally someone, other that an Indian player, got not so great a farewell and had to be thrown out of the squad before retiring into oblivion. It used to pain me lot, seeing Kapil Dev, Azharuddin, Ganguly, Kumble etc carrying on painfully, admist calls for their retirement. Whereas Gilchrist, McGrath, Warne chose to retire at their peak. Damn you Australia, now.

I lost a kilo
This has been the story of my life. Losing few, Gaining lot. Still these are one of the few losses,  I love to enjoy.

Written by arpitgarg

January 13, 2009 at 11:49 am

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