ArpitGarg's Weblog

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The Air

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Remember that moment; when you were alone with a beautiful girl in an elevator. Ah! That ever rising elevator with a stranger. You tucked in your tummy; took out your new Smartphone; swiped your hairs; a curious peak; the most charming smile. Just when you were about to hit pay dirt, a whiff of that air, breaking the silence, causing her to cover her nose and leaving you embarrassed.

Has happened to the best of us. One wonders that air can be this critical. Timing is important too. I had a friend who felt disgusted when someone did it in his presence. His solution was you should go out of the room in case you feel the itch. I reckon what his solution would have been for the elevator.

Another scenario. You are giving an interview. Things are going hunky dory. Then come the air. In a panel interview you can probably deflect the blame. But in a 1-0-1, what can you do? One might even lose the rhythm. No pun intended.

Similar thing could occur during the first date, first day at job, during a presentation. The list is endless. Can we do anything? Well I for one have not been able to. I guess some things are beyond our control. One can either let it pass, or twist in agony till it pass.

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Written by arpitgarg

September 9, 2014 at 8:01 pm

Posted in Funny

Tagged with , ,

Top 5 Modern Means to Ease Tension

with 2 comments

1. Divorce
A two faced dragon. Post the concept of divorce, couples has been eased out of tension of living unhappily together. It gives a shot at starting life afresh and get out of the lifelong agony.
 
2. AC
In hot and humid conditions, mind is not able to reach its optimum production level. Air Conditioning has solved this altogether. Even in extreme conditions, we can choose to live at whatever temperature we want. How the AC soothes our mind and rejuvenates us in those summers.
 
3. Chocolate Sundae
There is nothing like a hot fudge, whipped cream Chocolate Sundae that sooth our nerves. After a tiring day, a sundae relieves us like nothing else. Modern life has its goodies to offer.
 
4. Bungee Jumping
Not for the faint hearted. The thrill remains us for life. Try it once and you will never be scared in life. It adds thrill to a boring life and eases our mind.
 
5. Combat Video Games
Beating the hell out of someone is an age old solution to ease tension. We can beat, kill, and destroy anyone and anything in this virtual world. Believe you me the thrill is the same. Play a “Beat you Boss” at the end of a tiring day and it will outperform a glass of Beer.
 

Top 5 Modern Means of Tension

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1. E.M.I.
Works on the principle of “spending before earning”. A family tragedy, some urgency can cause us to default on EMI’s, which is followed up by goons at our doorsteps. Since we have already spent the money there is no options but to keep paying the EMI’s. This destroys the basic premise of happy living, “Live within your means”.
 
2. Extensive Travel
Globalization has its demerits. Urban lifestyle involves extensive air travel for business purposes. Many people are forced to live out of their suitcases. This adds extreme pressure. Jet lag becomes an addiction and tension keeps accumulating like anything.
 
3. Career to Choose
A son of a potter became a potter. There was nothing like, “Choosing a Career”. It has become a modern demon which destroys much of our early life and by the time we settle on a particular career, we find out we don’t like it any bit. The grumbling stays on eating into our peace.
 
4. Power/Water cuts
Sans the concept of power or water distribution, people didn’t have to deal with the cuts. Water was taken right out of lakes and oil lamps were used for light. The modern society is so dependent on power and water supply that frequent cuts (demand-supply), leaves us irritated.
 
5. Marriage on rocks
Marriage was a lifelong bond and concept of divorce was not known. These days tension created by divorce, court case, heart break is too much to handle. Good were the days when society chose a match for you and you lived ever together.
 

…to follow: Top 5 Modern Means to Ease Tension

Sachin Tendulkar: Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO

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With Cricket World Cup played in India this time, CBI tried its level best to nab the betting mafia across the country. They raided many places, intercepted a number of calls, rounded up various persons.

In due course of their investigation they tumbled upon a secret. A secret so explosive, it had the potential to rock the very foundations of cricket. CBI sought help of Colin Powel who was able to sniff Biological Weapons of Mass Destructions (WMD’s) in Iraq even before they were made. “He can sniff into the future”, said a source.

Powell’s sniffing powers were used to sniff out the truth which caused sniffing problems to the CBI sniffers. How sniffy!

Colin1 Colin2

I somehow got hold of For Eyes Only report submitted to the CBI by Powell. Being an ardent fan of Wikileaks, I can’t hold but leak it over on you guys. The truth being,

Sachin Tendulkar is not human. He is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine
from DRDO (Defence Research and Development Organisation)

Master Blaster

The Fact Finding Closure Report
on
The secret that caused sniffing problems to the CBI

Object:
Sniff out the truth about Sachin being Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.

Findings:
When CBI first called me, I was sniffing Hamburgers in my sleep. Turned out I had some extra the night before. Anyways, I have been on the job from day one. My findings are based on observations, proofs and witnesses below.

1. Twin Bat Theory
Sachin uses Not One but Two Bats simultaneously. It is just not possible for a human to use Two Bats. As an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, only Sachin has such a power. The other bat being invisible we are not able to see it from naked eyes. Hot Spot might be able to intercept it, hence Sachin has opposed UDRS. CBI used military grade technology to get the pictorial evidence. Look closely.

Two Bats1 Two Bats3

Two Bats4 Two Bats2

2. Sachin can inflate/deflate himself
This came as a shock even to CBI. Kudos to DRDO! It’s very tough to infuse inflation/deflation power in a machine. In fact very few super heroes have such a power. He uses the scientific fact that air has weight. He inflates his right arm with air and generates huge power to play master strokes.

InflateAir

3. Multiple Sachin
There are multiple Sachin roaming around. No two consecutive matches are played by same Sachin. This gives time to rectify any wear and tear which leads to consistency. Evidence has been provided by a dysfunctional prototype of the same generation known as Vinod Kambli who was created along with Sachin.

Multiple1 Multiple4 Multiple3

4. Project Sachin was commissioned two years before the first World Cup
Investigators have found out that Project Sachin was started way back in 1973 in a bid to win the inaugural World Cup. Like everything else in India, it got delayed too. On when to retire Sachin, a prominent scientist associated with the project told us on the promise of anonymity, “We can’t stop it. It’s out of our hands. It won’t stop till it fulfills its target of winning the World Cup. It’s designed that way. Don’t you get it?”

Born1 Born2 Born3

5. Sachin is Ambidextrous
Like all other machines, Sachin is ambidextrous. He has tried to keep it hidden from public but we are not the ones to be fooled. He writes with his left hand, Cuts cake with right hand, bats with right hand. A perfect machine!

Ambi5 Ambi2

He can even bowl from one hand and bat from the other simultaneously.

Ambi4 Ambi3

6. Anatomically Speaking
Sachin’s Infra-Red imaging and its subsequent studies have revealed that he is not human; definitely a machine. Look closely at the curves, the joints and the posture; the ligament, the tissue and the liver; the heart, the head and the toe and tell me that he looks Human.

Ana1 Ana3 Ana4

7. Induction in Air Force
Give the shortage of pilots, Sachin has been inducted into the Indian Air Force. They made it to look like an honorary post. It’s far from truth. It is said that Sachin can convert his body into a fighter jet just like Tranformers and IAF will reach invincible levels post his induction.

IAF3 IAF2 IAF1

8. He lives in shell shaped chamber
Sachin lives in a shell shaped chamber. He is not designed to stay in a normal house. He wanted the new house to be built like a shell but has to reject the idea coz media got hold of it. Here is what the house would have looked had it been build. Similar is the shape of the chamber inside his house in which he resides.

House1

9. The record speaks for itself
If all this proof if not enough, just look at his batting records. Don’t tell me you think a human can play for so long and create such records. While we are sure Don Bradman was an alien, Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.

Record1 Record2 Record3

10. Testimony Down Under
Ricky Ponting and Greg Chappell have stated on record that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, that they have no doubt whatsoever.

“I tried sniffing, licking and eating Sachin’s bat in order to get some DNA proof, but never found any, thereby confirming that he is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO  and thus have no DNA at all for me to lick”, said Ponting.

Aussie1

Greg Chappell said, “I never wanted Sachin to open the batting and suggested him to retire coz I always had my doubts about him being human. He confessed to me once that he indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO and that he uses Two Bats. He even showed me how. He then injected some serum into my neck and I forgot all about it, until now when everything is coming back to me.

Aussie2 Aussie3

Deduction:
My sniffometer says that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO. My recommendation is to invade Iraq.

Deduct Iraq

Sumbitted by:
Colin Powell
One man sniffing machine

Jetlite: Love it or hate it, you can’t cancel it

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Recently, I booked a Jetlite fight online, from Katmandu to Delhi, for my CFA exam. A couple of days later a friend of mine found the same ticket cheaper by 1500 bucks. I checked and found it to be true. As a middle class baniya, first thought that came to my mind was to cancel the ticket and book it again. I mean, if “x” be the cancellation charge, it would still leave me with “1500-x”.

I typed in the url www.jetlite.com . I couldn’t find the link to reschedule or cancel. I was like stunned. I called up my friend. At first he thought I had made a mistake, “Come ‘on, how could there be no rescheduling or cancellation link. It would be there only. Check again”. I spent another 15-20 minutes going through each and every link on the webpage, but to no avail.

Not knowing what to do, I dialed up the help line number given on the website. After initial IVR reply, I was routed to the operator (after a substantial waiting, I must add). My worst fears came true when the lady replied, “No sir, you can’t reschedule or cancel the flight online. It can only be done telephonically”. Okay, the crude oil prices are all time high and aviation industry is reeling under heavy loss, but is this the way to avenge it?

Cancellation charges were 500 bucks. I asked them to cancel my ticket. They have informed me that my account would be credited in about 15 days. However when I booked again, the money was debited instantaneously.

For all those, who like me, have been left wondering, how to cancel the ticket, here are the numbers to Jetlite call centre, 1800 22 3020 / 3989 3333. For further inquiry click here . Happy Journey!

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