Posts Tagged ‘india’
Back Office in the West
Somewhere during the early ‘90s, everyone realized the immense potential of outsourcing industry. With telecom/data rates on the decline, we saw call centre, KPO, BPO, captive units grow rapidly, changing the lives of a whole generation and realizing the dreams of an entire country.
With jobs, money, prosperity; a slow cultural impregnation has also taken place. We never realized when 31st Dec became the be all and end all of cyclical culmination of celebration. We never realized when Diwali holidays became a rarity and Christmas holidays became a norm. Ladoo/Barfi gave way for Cakes; Jalebis became Donuts; Lassi became too heavy to handle and Coffee light.
All this happened in India coz the jobs coming in were from countries like US, UK etc. I wonder what would have happened if the jobs would have originated from India and Indian culture would have influenced countries around the world.
The light footprint of the world would have been dazzling, the Diwali Night. The next day of Holi, people around the world would have gone schools/colleges/office having tinges of pink/green color on their faces.
A certain person in NY would have woken to Aloo Paratha with butter for breakfast. Haldiram’s would be in place of MacD/Pizza Huts all around the globe. John would have taken his family for a Kachori/Jalebi outing and VadaPao would have been blamed for Indianisation of the west.
In a Hollywood movie Tom Cruise would have a father settled in riches of Mumbai. He would have taken the son to US to get him marry a white girl. A son hell bent on marrying some Priya from Chandigarh. How the Hollywood would have sung, “Come, it’s time to go back”. No Pankaj Udaas, but a certain Snoop Dog would have sung, “A letter from my country” and the American Diaspora would have wept the Nehru Centre.
Mr. Abe would be Shree Abe, or let’s go a step ahead, would have changed his name to Abhimanyu, just to fit in. Roger would have walked into a back office in the heart of London in Kurta Pajama and HR would have coached in how to wear a Pajama with perfect crease. There would have been Chai/Lassi/Thandai machines in the breakouts with a few Charpai thrown in to relax.
The VadaPao/Chola Bhatura joints in NY/London would be decorated with diya’s on Diwali’s eve and people would be discussing, Ram and Sita and the history. People in Italy would protest forceful conversion to Hinduism funded by RSS and would deliberate enacting anti-conversion laws.
Restaurants would be designed so as people would be seated on the floor and waiters serving them food. World economy would be centered in Mumbai with New Delhi bombing countries in South America for their religious extremism and their getting close to develop Nuclear weapon.
I am already ROFL. The potential to explore on this topic is immense but I would excuse myself now lest I think some more and go berserk.
Anna you betrayed us
Amidst the chant of “Bharat Mata ki Jai”, the atmosphere was all charged up. Patriotism was in vogue again. A huge crowd had gathered at the ground while million more stuck to their TV screens. All were living a force-fed dream. A dream of corruption free India. A dream that we can make a difference. A dream that we do matter.
We saw rebirth of a frail, thin leader. A fighter without arms. Not the demand for food, but the refusal of it shook the very foundations of the legislative of the biggest democracy of the world. We all stood in unison, we did what he said, and we followed wherever led.
As the days passed. One…Two…Three, the pressure started mounting. The health started deteriorating. People were anxious, government was worried. Not for his health but for the backlash, if something happened. More so coz the ideology of party in power was based on fast-unto-death. There seemed no way out.
Some back room negotiations ensued. A tainted ex-CM from financial capital was rushed to Delhi. Anna you agreed. Having been betrayed by Govt., time and again, you still acceded to the letter and promises as if you were just waiting to pounce upon. It’s tough for me to say, but Anna it would have been better if you had withered sitting on the fast. Alas! somewhere down the line, your fast-unto-death became wolf cries.
The corrupt politicians unclothed you in front of public. The cheer-haran was painful. I ask Why? Why did you fool us into disbelief if you were not ready to go the distance? I know it’s tough to give one’s life and I for one cannot. But why did you make false promises?
Your movement is in tatters. Our belief stands shaken. You sided with the limelight hungry, self proclaimed Guru to get the zing back into your campaign, but I am scared now. Scared to be betrayed again. Scared that I will be left again in the midst to fend myself off.
It would be tough for me to believe in another Anna. So long Hazare!
6 conditions rejected by Anna Hazare
Delhi Police imposed 22 conditions for peaceful protest by Anna Hazare. Last heard 6 out of 22 were rejected by Anna and his team. What these 6 conditions were had been kept under wraps. Yours truly found it out through well placed sources at US Embassy, who tends to know more on India, than India itself.
Conditions were as below:
1. At least 50 helicopters should be present at the Anshan site (Quick evacuation in case of bee attack).
2. 50 AC’s are mandatory. No one should suffer heat stroke coz of Dilli ki Garmi.
3. All the attendees must sign an undertaking that they hereby agree for nasbandi.
4. Attendees should give an undertaking that they will not urinate for the entire duration. Anyone found otherwise will be lynched.
5. Such fasts tend to get boring. So as nobody dies of boredom, performance by Lady Gaga is must. Pending her nod fast cannot go ahead.
6. People made to sit long hours can develop severe back pains. Arrangements should be made for back massage by professional masseuses.
According to our sources, Anna and his team were bummed out specifically by Lady Gaga condition. They tried to reason with her. But once she insisted to perform, they had no option but to back out.
सारे जहाँ से अच्छा
सारे जहाँ से अच्छा, कहता था एक बच्चा,
हम बुलबुलें हैं इसकी, कहती थी दादी उसकी,
ग़ुरबत में हों अगर हम, विश्वास न हो बस कम,
रहता हो दिल वतन में, फक्र से न घुटन में|
परवत वो सब से ऊँचा, सबने लहू से सींचा,
गोदी में हज़ारों नदियाँ, हो गयी हैं जिनको सदियाँ,
ए आब-ए-रूद-ए-गंगा, दुबकी जो कर दे चंगा,
मज़हब नहीं सिखाता बैर, असल बात जाने दो खैर|
हिन्दी हैं हम वतन है, दुश्मन करें जतन हैं,
यूनान-ओ-मिस्र-ओ-रोमा, कुछ गए, कुछ को कोमा,
हस्ती मिटती नहीं हमारी, झूझने की है बीमारी,
हम तुझको क्यों सुनाएं, दर्द-ए-निहाँ हमारा|
PS: My tribute to Saare Jahan se Accha by Muhammad Iqbal
General Dyer @ Ramlila Ground
After an unusually long Saturday, I made a last dash to my TV remote, before going to sleep. Little did I know that sleep would be the last thing on my mind soon.
A betaal lookalike yoga guru, who has raised hell about black money, prevalent corruption and a long-dead system, with a tinge of political ambition, was about to be turned a martyr.
A veteran leader from the party in power stated, “We are not afraid of Baba. Had we been afraid, we would have jailed him long ago”. The relevance of his remark came haunting back with the sad scenes from the capital.
Sending in Police and Rapid Action Force at dead of the night to lathi-charge sleeping innocent common men, reeks of colonial hitlerocracy. When I first saw the movie, Rang De Basanti, the scene where peaceful candle light protest was crushed forcefully. I was sure such thing could never happen in my country. China perhaps, but not in India.
What has happened today has shamed me. How can I cite General Dyer now, when Jalianwaala Baag has been re-enacted in Delhi. Lathi-charge, tear gas and burning the stage are akin to the gunshots in today’s democratic times.
Thousands of people who have come from across the country, where were they supposed to go at the dead of the night? Why not do the same operation during the day? Tear gas is to be used on rioters and miscreants, not on peaceful sleeping people.
If I can’t even protest peacefully against the issues that are haunting me, what should I do? Should I become a naxalite? Should I become a terrorist? Should I hang myself? Should I leave my motherland and live a life of an orphan?
Yes, I am corrupt. But I support any such popular movements against corruption. Even if it’s political then so be it. Coz quite frankly, I am simply fed up of being corrupt.
You are not razing down Adarsh. You have not realized a penny out of 2G. You have not brought back even an cent of black money stashed abroad. But you do sent a 2000 strong force to raze down the shivir.
Baba has been extern-ed out of Delhi. If tomorrow I will raise my voice against corruption, Will I be extern-ed too? I think I will quote from a famous movie, Go to hell DK Bose.
Walking Genius
There are times in life when we end up making fool of ourselves. One such incident happened to me lately. Made an a** of myself. I realized I am not alone. People like me walk among us. I would like to pay my respects to some such pals of mine.
PSO Padam Singh
Personal Security Officer of UP CM Mayawati, Padam Singh, bent down and wiped her dusty shoes. “I just noticed the dust on her shoes. I follow Clean India Green India campaign and wiped of the dust. What wrong have I done?”
Muammar Gaddafi
“They love me. All my people are with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me”, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi gloated, laughing off international pressure to step down. When questioned as to how can he laugh it of, while he is slaughtering his own people, Gaddafi said, “I am just a happy person. I laugh all the time. More so since I started watching FRIENDS. Long live America!”.
S M Krishna
External Affairs Minister SM Krishna accidentally read out the Portuguese Foreign Minister’s speech at the UN.
“There was nothing wrong in it, I was just trying to learn some Portuguese”, clarified Krishna. A headline read, “Dear Krishna, all is forgiven. Don’t catch the wrong flight.”
Ratnakar Shetty
When asked whether it was unfair that only 4000 tickets would be sold to public for a game as important as the World Cup final, Shetty said the members of the clubs are also part of the “public” and so he disagrees that public is not getting any tickets.
Speechless! Well species like these are found in trio’s, lest they hurt themselves.
Haroon Lorgat
Some miscreants stoned WI team bus after Bangladesh’s shameful defeat. ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat played down the incident, calling it ‘minor’, pointing out that few individuals had thrown pebbles at the bus. This left WI team manager furious.
Bangladesh’s Cricket Board left the world further puzzled when it added that people mistook WI team bus to be Bangladesh team bus. They walk among us!
Hillary Clinton/Obama
US President Barack Obama pressurized Pakistan to treat Raymond Davis, who allegedly shot dead two men in Lahore, as a diplomat and release him. US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly “forced” Pakistan to confirm the diplomatic immunity for Davis while threatening to withdraw the $1.5 billion aid.
“Life of a US citizen with per capita $48000 is way more than that of two Pakistanis with per capita $1000. It’s pure statistics”, asserted Hilary while greeting Davis back home.
Manoj Tiwari BB
Fuming over his eviction from the ‘Bigg Boss’ house, Bhojpuri star Manoj Tiwari hit back at Salman Khan and his brother Arbaaz Khan for ‘scripting’ his eviction from the controversial reality show as a part of larger ‘conspiracy’ against Bhojpuri actors
Manoj Tiwari Fan Club president Manish Kumar, along with a bunch of followers protested against Tiwari’s eviction, claiming that ‘Bigg Boss’ ‘insulted’ the 26-crore Bhojpuri community.
Your’s Truly
Incident With-hold
The Day the Earth stood still
1996 was year that marked my generations tryst with cricket. Kirsten’s 188; Jayasurya’s revelations; Indo/Pak Q/F; the Eden heartbreak. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. It had all, save the Heroic ending. The script seemed flawed; a job left unfinished.
Post ’98 Sharjah exploits, the team fell apart under the match fixing allegations. We were no longer a force in the world cricket. Two of the most controversial figures of Indian cricketing history the Raja and the Senapati fell and gave way to yet another controversial figure of all times. Though his were the controversies we took pride in.
Eden curse was cured by a Lanky personality who gave us reasons to be proud of. The high moon, the tide, the ebbs, the flows all became but adjectives when the cricketing history was re-written. A giant was born. The journey culminated in Jo ’burg when the mighty batting lineup was but a step away from laying its claim.
Albeit, that was not to be. Undone by a legend from down under, it paved way to of one of the most hate-filled cricketing rivalry. The Sydney fiasco was just waiting to happen. It turned out to be the Pearl Harbor of Indian cricket. We have never looked back since. The zeal, the aggression, the will has never been higher. Post 3 IPL’s, high dose of Indo-SL matches and a resurrection of The God of Cricket, it’s time to cross the final hurdle.
The SF match between Indo-Pak, was the most anticipated and followed match in the history of cricket. Everything was to its maximum. Imagine anti-aircraft guns around the stadium! I travelled from Mumbai to Pune to celebrate the festival with friends. With Holi/Diwali/Ganesh Pooja being celebrated with varying vigor across the country, the festival of cricket is the only one which whole nation celebrates equally.
The scenes I saw in Pune were unparalleled. The roads were jammed post the win. I could see thousands of bikes/cars/tempo/buses parading round the city. Flags/colors/sweets aplenty. The whole city was one. It was the day for no hatred.
On field/off field the camaraderie between the two nations was a sight to behold. The old sins were washed off. The 26/11 seemed a distant memory. One match turned the hostile relations between two nations onto its head, into Aman Ki Fuhaar.
My feet were trembling and emotions flowing unrestrained. It was day when 1/5th of humanity gasped in unison, It was a day when the Earth stood still.
Gang Bangers
I could not find any other title suitable to this post however coarse it may sound.
Supreme Court of India struck down the appointment of CVC PJ Thomas recently. Not just the judgment but the case in itself turned out to be a landmark one. It dealt with how to measure the integrity of a person; How the Govt. machinery can be misused to appoint personal beneficiaries to the autonomous constitutional authorities. In fact of late several murky deals from the power corridors of Delhi stood exposed bringing to light the best keep secrets of the India that is corrupt.
“28.3% MP’s have serious charges against them”, Thomas contested in court. Why was only he being unfairly targeted? I must say, I found his plea quite sound. Similar was the defense of Mr. Suresh Kalmadi. “Why don’t you question Delhi CM and Central Sports Minister? They were party to all decisions”.
Why am I alone being charged Sir, it was after all a Gang Bang.
What Thomas and Kalmadi did was a classic case of blackmailing. While Thomas pressurized legislative to support him or stand exposed, Kalmadi took his chances with Delhi CM and Central Sports Minister.
Without going into the good bad and ugly of Adarsh, CWG and 2G scam the thing that stuck me most was the collaborated loot of public money. Had this collaboration been shown in organizing CWG, it would have done some good to brand India. It’s like everyone is ganging up to plunder this country.
Having had rendezvous with functioning of bureaucracy up close, I must admit it would have been hard for Kalmadi to organize CWG without placating other authorities; difficult for Raja to remain Minister without collaborating in loot; and impossible for Chavan to survive without participating in the plunder.
In fact we are no longer averse to bribe and corruption. It’s a way of life. People teach their kids how to bribe without getting caught. “Sir, aap jaisa bolenge waisa ho jaayega”, beta aisa bolna, aadmi apne aap samajh jaayega.
It’s not just the big names which are ganging up; we too are part of the mob that is looting and plundering our nation. We are the Gang Bangers.
Sachin Tendulkar: Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO
With Cricket World Cup played in India this time, CBI tried its level best to nab the betting mafia across the country. They raided many places, intercepted a number of calls, rounded up various persons.
In due course of their investigation they tumbled upon a secret. A secret so explosive, it had the potential to rock the very foundations of cricket. CBI sought help of Colin Powel who was able to sniff Biological Weapons of Mass Destructions (WMD’s) in Iraq even before they were made. “He can sniff into the future”, said a source.
Powell’s sniffing powers were used to sniff out the truth which caused sniffing problems to the CBI sniffers. How sniffy!
I somehow got hold of For Eyes Only report submitted to the CBI by Powell. Being an ardent fan of Wikileaks, I can’t hold but leak it over on you guys. The truth being,
Sachin Tendulkar is not human. He is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine
from DRDO (Defence Research and Development Organisation)
The Fact Finding Closure Report
on
The secret that caused sniffing problems to the CBI
Object:
Sniff out the truth about Sachin being Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.
Findings:
When CBI first called me, I was sniffing Hamburgers in my sleep. Turned out I had some extra the night before. Anyways, I have been on the job from day one. My findings are based on observations, proofs and witnesses below.
1. Twin Bat Theory
Sachin uses Not One but Two Bats simultaneously. It is just not possible for a human to use Two Bats. As an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, only Sachin has such a power. The other bat being invisible we are not able to see it from naked eyes. Hot Spot might be able to intercept it, hence Sachin has opposed UDRS. CBI used military grade technology to get the pictorial evidence. Look closely.
2. Sachin can inflate/deflate himself
This came as a shock even to CBI. Kudos to DRDO! It’s very tough to infuse inflation/deflation power in a machine. In fact very few super heroes have such a power. He uses the scientific fact that air has weight. He inflates his right arm with air and generates huge power to play master strokes.
3. Multiple Sachin
There are multiple Sachin roaming around. No two consecutive matches are played by same Sachin. This gives time to rectify any wear and tear which leads to consistency. Evidence has been provided by a dysfunctional prototype of the same generation known as Vinod Kambli who was created along with Sachin.
4. Project Sachin was commissioned two years before the first World Cup
Investigators have found out that Project Sachin was started way back in 1973 in a bid to win the inaugural World Cup. Like everything else in India, it got delayed too. On when to retire Sachin, a prominent scientist associated with the project told us on the promise of anonymity, “We can’t stop it. It’s out of our hands. It won’t stop till it fulfills its target of winning the World Cup. It’s designed that way. Don’t you get it?”
5. Sachin is Ambidextrous
Like all other machines, Sachin is ambidextrous. He has tried to keep it hidden from public but we are not the ones to be fooled. He writes with his left hand, Cuts cake with right hand, bats with right hand. A perfect machine!
He can even bowl from one hand and bat from the other simultaneously.
6. Anatomically Speaking
Sachin’s Infra-Red imaging and its subsequent studies have revealed that he is not human; definitely a machine. Look closely at the curves, the joints and the posture; the ligament, the tissue and the liver; the heart, the head and the toe and tell me that he looks Human.
7. Induction in Air Force
Give the shortage of pilots, Sachin has been inducted into the Indian Air Force. They made it to look like an honorary post. It’s far from truth. It is said that Sachin can convert his body into a fighter jet just like Tranformers and IAF will reach invincible levels post his induction.
8. He lives in shell shaped chamber
Sachin lives in a shell shaped chamber. He is not designed to stay in a normal house. He wanted the new house to be built like a shell but has to reject the idea coz media got hold of it. Here is what the house would have looked had it been build. Similar is the shape of the chamber inside his house in which he resides.
9. The record speaks for itself
If all this proof if not enough, just look at his batting records. Don’t tell me you think a human can play for so long and create such records. While we are sure Don Bradman was an alien, Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.
10. Testimony Down Under
Ricky Ponting and Greg Chappell have stated on record that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, that they have no doubt whatsoever.
“I tried sniffing, licking and eating Sachin’s bat in order to get some DNA proof, but never found any, thereby confirming that he is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO and thus have no DNA at all for me to lick”, said Ponting.
Greg Chappell said, “I never wanted Sachin to open the batting and suggested him to retire coz I always had my doubts about him being human. He confessed to me once that he indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO and that he uses Two Bats. He even showed me how. He then injected some serum into my neck and I forgot all about it, until now when everything is coming back to me.
Deduction:
My sniffometer says that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO. My recommendation is to invade Iraq.
Sumbitted by:
Colin Powell
One man sniffing machine
Top 10 Examples of Jugaad in India
“Aapko koi problem nahin hogi, maine jugaad kar rakhi hai”. “Kuch setting ho toh batao”. “Are apni upar tak setting hai”. Every one of us would have come across something similar at one point or the other. What exactly is this much celebrated setting aka jugaad? Well, it can simply be defined as an improvised quick fix to a tricky situation; goes to the extent of bending the rules; wisely attributed to lateral thinking.
Let me list down the top 10 examples of jugaad in India over the years.
- The Third Front as Alternative Governance
Recent elections have shown a new trend. The opportunist, UPA/NDA discards come together to form an alternative famously known as “Third Front”. It’s nothing more than a jugaad with sole purpose to bargain hard with UPA/NDA when time comes to form the Govt. Everyone knows it is not long term, but as to the purpose of holding the Govt to ransom it has worked quiet well. - Chidambram as Home Minister
Prithiviraj Patil was busy putting make-up and changing wardrobes amidst the 26/11 attacks. He needed to go and went he did! The big question was “Who would fill the empty chair”? Chidambram, known to be an astute economist, was fitted to run the Home Ministry. Barring a few fiasco (Hindu terror, Shoe sting et al), expected of a jugaad, PC has more or less fulfilled the role of a workable HM. - Ravindra Jadeja as All Rounder
The lack of all round cricketers in India is well known. One too many players have been tried by the selectors. When all else failed, time was ripe for the jugaad, Ravindra Jadeja. This jugaad failed and failed miserably. It even put a question mark to the very existence of jugaad. This, until he was selected again. You can hate jugaad, you can love jugaad, you can’t ignore jugaad. - Students and College Exams
Most of us never studied the whole semester and used to bunk the classes. At the verge of exams, we had no notes/no idea. The jugaad used to come into effect. Whole course was divided into 4-5 parts, depending upon the number of friends in the group. Each one read a particular section and then explained it to the rest of the group. I still don’t understand how, but we faired really well, Jugaad rocks!!! - L K Advani as Leader of Opposition
The fight for the post of Leader of Opposition was out in the open. Feelers were doing the rounds. When the GenX of the BJP leaders failed to come to a settlement, it was time for jugaad. The age old tested campaigner Advani, who till then had shown inclination to retire from active politics was brought back and he did some serious damage to UPA over price rise and corruption issues. - Security in India
Secuity setup in most of the places in India works on jugaad. Overworked/underpaid policemen; lack of proper fighting equipments; lack of transport vehicles; lack of proper police station. When people say, “How the hell do we not see anarchy in such a scenario?” I tell them it is the Indian jugaad of 3rd Degree. If you get caught by frustrated law enforcers, God help you! - Elections year after year
If you know someone who has acted as an Electoral Officer, you would know the whole election runs on nothing but jugaad. Govt officers are made poll officers, School/ Colleges are made the poll booths, Long lines at booths with no facility at all. Locals provide the chai/paani/lodging to the booth officers posted in remote areas. In tribal areas, the poll stationary is transported on Elephants. At some places people vote under lantern light. But this jugaad has stood the test of time and hopefully will continue doing so in the future. - Manmohan Singh as Prime Minister
When Sonia Gandhi did not accept the post of PM after 2004 victory, there was a big frenzy as to the appointment of the PM. Dr. Manmohan Singh, a respected, senior member of Congress party, was employed as a jugaad. Never contested an election, not known to be conniving politician, he turned out to be a shining success of Indian jugaad and how! Into his second term, the jugaad continues to rattle iron man Advani at his own game. - IPL in South Africa
IPL2 in SA is a shining example in the Indian jugaad armory. At couple of weeks notice, it was decided to shift the event to SA. Frenetic night outs, back room negotiations and “karna hai” attitude paved way to one of the highly successful events in cricketing history. It was a city moment of jugaads. - Baap of All Jugaads: Sheila Dixit (Common Wealth Games)
To term CWG, Baap of all Jugaads won’t be a misnomer. Everything was left to the last moment, to the chance. Sports Minister termed it the Fat Punjabi wedding, which turns out well at the end. A quick fix to the impounding problems, CM Shiela Dixit was the jugaad to get the games up and running. And boy did she turn out to be one hell of a jugaad. The opening ceremony was a grand success and the whole world came to know and respect the great Indian Jugaad. Bharat Bhagya Vidhata!
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