Posts Tagged ‘khan’
Walking Genius
There are times in life when we end up making fool of ourselves. One such incident happened to me lately. Made an a** of myself. I realized I am not alone. People like me walk among us. I would like to pay my respects to some such pals of mine.
PSO Padam Singh
Personal Security Officer of UP CM Mayawati, Padam Singh, bent down and wiped her dusty shoes. “I just noticed the dust on her shoes. I follow Clean India Green India campaign and wiped of the dust. What wrong have I done?”
Muammar Gaddafi
“They love me. All my people are with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me”, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi gloated, laughing off international pressure to step down. When questioned as to how can he laugh it of, while he is slaughtering his own people, Gaddafi said, “I am just a happy person. I laugh all the time. More so since I started watching FRIENDS. Long live America!”.
S M Krishna
External Affairs Minister SM Krishna accidentally read out the Portuguese Foreign Minister’s speech at the UN.
“There was nothing wrong in it, I was just trying to learn some Portuguese”, clarified Krishna. A headline read, “Dear Krishna, all is forgiven. Don’t catch the wrong flight.”
Ratnakar Shetty
When asked whether it was unfair that only 4000 tickets would be sold to public for a game as important as the World Cup final, Shetty said the members of the clubs are also part of the “public” and so he disagrees that public is not getting any tickets.
Speechless! Well species like these are found in trio’s, lest they hurt themselves.
Haroon Lorgat
Some miscreants stoned WI team bus after Bangladesh’s shameful defeat. ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat played down the incident, calling it ‘minor’, pointing out that few individuals had thrown pebbles at the bus. This left WI team manager furious.
Bangladesh’s Cricket Board left the world further puzzled when it added that people mistook WI team bus to be Bangladesh team bus. They walk among us!
Hillary Clinton/Obama
US President Barack Obama pressurized Pakistan to treat Raymond Davis, who allegedly shot dead two men in Lahore, as a diplomat and release him. US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly “forced” Pakistan to confirm the diplomatic immunity for Davis while threatening to withdraw the $1.5 billion aid.
“Life of a US citizen with per capita $48000 is way more than that of two Pakistanis with per capita $1000. It’s pure statistics”, asserted Hilary while greeting Davis back home.
Manoj Tiwari BB
Fuming over his eviction from the ‘Bigg Boss’ house, Bhojpuri star Manoj Tiwari hit back at Salman Khan and his brother Arbaaz Khan for ‘scripting’ his eviction from the controversial reality show as a part of larger ‘conspiracy’ against Bhojpuri actors
Manoj Tiwari Fan Club president Manish Kumar, along with a bunch of followers protested against Tiwari’s eviction, claiming that ‘Bigg Boss’ ‘insulted’ the 26-crore Bhojpuri community.
Your’s Truly
Incident With-hold
The IPL Team that wasn’t
IPL auctions, held recently grabbed everyone’s attention. With millions of dollars floating around, it turned out to be a landmark event. Not everyone seemed happy though. Some politicians were enraged by the amount of wealth at display. “It’s pathetic”, said one. Its gross” said another. “Why were we left out from earning the moolah. It’s wrong”. “Let’s form a team and enter the IPL. Let’s rename it the Indian Political League”, came one suggestion. “Yes, let’s do it”, they gave a Spartan cry. We will show who the real boss is when it comes to earning monies.
“From next time on Mr. A. Raja will be the auctioneer given his huge experience with 2G auctions”, they passed a resolution. “All those who want to bid for someone at a cheaper cost, pay me 20%, I will bring down the hammer. I am the 1st, 2nd and the third umpire”, Raja promised. Point well taken!
The team was called, “Indian Commoners”, given the “aam aadmi” thing is in vogue. The team is as below.
1. Suresh Kalmadi: The way he accumulates money, he can accumulate lots of runs. His tendency to generate money out of nowhere is seen as his ability to get wickets out of nowhere. He is a genuine all rounder. He can even keep the umpires happy, if you know what I mean. He never hogs the limelight. Always owes it to teamwork.
2. Sharad Pawar: The Maratha pride. He is a bit lethargic in field. Takes time to move; needs a little push sometimes. But with him on the side, the team can make records, given his habit to make records of prices of onion and sugar. He does not care much about win or a loss. Cool as a cucumber. After all he is not a jyotishi.
3. RR Patil: A master planner. Sometimes caught off guard, when the opposite team strikes. To him even a huge loss does not matter. After all such small things happen. He is like a phoenix, rise from the ashes. The only thing that goes against him is his evident dislike for cheer leaders.
4. Mamata Banerjee: Bound to appeal a lot on the ground. Ei No Cholbe, Ei no Cholbe. Will sit on hunger strike if umpire does no give favorable decisions. Batting and Bowling will be on track with her in the team, well almost.
5. Sheila Dixit: Hell of a worker. Can make 200 in just 2 over’s when time comes. Though old age affects her memory a bit and she keeps forgetting things, considered a long innings player. Is well regarded for her mystic youth.
6. B. S. Yeddyurappa: With him, we will have our grounds to practice and play on. Whatever pitch/land/conditions we want to practice on, he will grab it and will make it available for us. Also he will cry when caught, so umpire will not give him out. He likes to keep himself in shape too. He respects the coach a lot.
7. M. K Alagiri (Karunanidhi’s son): He will hardly be present during the match but during the pre and post ceremonies, he will be there to complain that he is never given a chance to perform. Such spirit!
8. Nitin Gadkari: Will sit on the opposition and kill them. He is dealer and so is easy to deal with. Will keep asking for a wicket from the umpire. He will not let the match go on and may do a walkout, till his request is acceded to. His motto is “Eat and let Eat”, and eats up the wickets of the opposite team.
9. Narendra Modi: Tried his hand at umpiring. Took no decision and the two teams came to blows. Want to enter this time round as the player. The team is bound to win, err…only the home matches perhaps.
10. Rahul Gandhi: Likes to play test matches, slow and in whites. So that might be show-stopper. But has a fan following among elite youths (where the money is), so might be able to bring in sponsors. Also is young. Invest in future.
11. Manish Tiwari: His team is the reigning champion and he never misses a chance to be smug about it. He will murder anyone who says anything against his team. Such is his loyalty. Don’t need to know the context. All he knows is defense. He is the Wall. He can take on one, two or even three bowlers at the same time.
12. Jagan Reddy (12th man): He is a good fielder and practices a lot. Be it ‘Odarpu Yatra’. He has a lot of female fan following too. Charming! The flip side is that he will not play unless made the Captain. He will make a new team from the breakaway players if he is refused the Captain cap.
13. Sourav Ganguly: Pissed at his exclusion in the IPL, he gave his name for Indian Commoners. Unsold here too. Left has told they will find a role for him and no team in India is possible without him.
Who can God be?
Over the years I have wondered about the existence of God. Is he here with us on earth or is he celestial? If he is on earth, what form has he taken? Is he a human, an animal, a tree, some inanimate object perhaps? I have come up with some logical deductions, like always, on who could God be. My assumptions are the qualities that we all believe God possesses. Armed with these traits of God, let us try and decipher the Holy Grail.
1. God is the Creator: God is Lalit Modi
God created us humans from scratch. Lalit Modi created IPL from scratch. God created 9 planets, Modi created 8 IPL teams. Just because Modi forgot one team, poor Pluto was stripped of its planet tag, thus maintaining the order divine.
He created the Champions League. He created the position of IPL Commissioner. He created three children of his own. He created a new political divide between India and Pakistan and the prototype for the modern Indian working lady. God created the world in 6 days. Modi created a whole IPL-2 in S. Africa equally fast. Such is the might of God.
2. God is Immortal: God is Afzal Guru
God is not subjected to death. He must be Afzal Guru for sure. Regardless of Supreme Court death sentence to him, he is still alive. Maybe it’s not Congress’ fault after all. It’s just God and his ways.
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3. God is Omnipresent: God is China
China is present everywhere today. Look around, all you see is Chinese made goods. From head to toe you are covered in China. Chinese phones, Chinese toys, Chinese clothes, Chinese babies, Chinese dolls, Chinese food to name a few. In fact the Chinese themselves are all over the world. You look here, Chinese. You look there, Chinese. Next time you go to your home. Check the attic. I am sure Chinese would be there too. Next in line towards Godship are we Indians for all the obvious reasons.
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4. God is Immutable: God is Govt. of Maharashtra.
If God is not susceptible to change, my deduction would be he is Maha. Govt. A year has passed since 26/11, still no change. Everything is same.
` RR Patil is still Home Minister. Same old traffic problems.
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` Same old Security issues. Pawar’s smile is the same since eternity. Go to hell price rise.
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5. God is The Ultimate Truth and Ultimate Reality: God is Sach ka Saamna
What if God is a game show? Sach Ka saamna, which is the Ulimate reality show which brings out the Ultimate truth from the contestant. So is God a reality show and Rajeev Khandelwal is his agent?
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6. God is Boundless: God is US thirst for Oil
Maybe God is not something animate or visible. It is something as abstract as US thirst for Oil. It’s not US fault that they invaded Iraq and killed thousands of innocent people. It’s just what God forced it to. This feeling is boundless and cannot be contained. Hence US is forced to quench the thirst of Oil, sometimes by the blood of innocent people.
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7. God has vast, un-imaginative powers: God is Madhu Koda
Madhu Koda might not be corrupt after all. It’s just his un-imaginative powers that converted nothing into billions. Remember “Turn water to Wine”. It’s just God’s power that took effect. He is no crook.
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8. God is Necessary (cannot do without): God is Mobile phone
We cannot live without mobile phone. The moment it is not in sight, we feel cut off from the world. We feel uneasy, itchy, dizzy and in despair. Better we died. Maybe this addiction is not our fault. It’s just that we cannot do without God. Long live Mobile!
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9. God is Perfect: God is definitely not Microsoft Windows
One thing is sure, God is not Microsoft Windows. With so much defects clubbed together, it seems Windows was written with code collected from junk sale. Definitely not what God is made of!
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10. God is our father: God is Genghis Khan
A study identified a Y-chromosomal lineage linked to Genghis Khan, present in about 8% of the men in a large region of Asia. We are descendants of Genghis Khan. In fact the slang, “Ghenghis Khan ki Chati aulaad” is not used just like that. Most of us are his children and he is our father. Gandhi is just father of a nation, Genghis fatherhood transcends all boundaries.
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11. God is the Ruler: God is the media
Media has the complete dominion of the world. It’s media that rules today. News media makes/breaks stories. It twists news for TRP’s. Maybe it’s just the act of God to show complete control and not some wrong doings on the part of media.
12. God is Immaculate (free of stain, spotless, absolutely pure): God is Katrina Kaif
God! She is gorgeous. So spotless, so pure, so free from error. How gentle and lovely is she. If there is someone purer than Katrina, I reckon there is no God. I would not want to pursue my hunt any further for the God who made Kat inferior to anyone. I am ready to go to hell for her.
Chatur Speech in Hindi: 3 Idiots
आदरणीय सभापति महोदय, अतिथि विशेष शिक्षण मंत्री श्री आर. डी. त्रिपति [त्रिपाठी] जी, माननीय शिक्षकगण और मेरे पियारे [प्यारे] सहपतियो [सहपाठियों]| आज अगर I.C.E आसमान की बुलांदियो [बुलंदियों] को छू राहा [रहा] है, तो उसका श्रेय सिर्रफ [सिर्फ] एकिंसान [एक इंसान] को जाता है, श्री वीरू सहस्त्र बुद्धे| Give him a a big hand . He is a great guy really .
पिछले बत्तीस साल से इन्होने निरंतर इस कॉलेज में बलत्कार [बलात्कार] पे बलत्कार किये, उम्मीद है आगे बी [भी] करते रहेगे [रहेंगे ]| हमें तो आश्चर्य होता है कि एक इंसान अपने जीवन काल में इतनी बलत्कार कैसी कर सकता है| इन्होने कड़ी तपस्या से अपने आपको इस काबिल बुनाया [बनाया ] है| वक़्त का सही उपयोग, घंटे का पूर्ण इस्तेमाल कोई इनसे सीके [सीखे ]| सीके, इनसे सीके| आज हम सब छात्र यहाँ हैं, कल देश-विदेश में फेल [फैल] जायेंगे| वादा है आपसे जिस देश में होंगे वहां बलत्कार करेंगे| I.C.E का नाम रोशन करेंगे| दिका [दिखा] देंगे सबको जो बलत्कार करने की शमता यहाँ के छात्रों में है वो संसार के किसी छात्रों में नहीं| No other छात्र, No other छात्र|
आदरणीय मंत्रीजी नमस्कार, आपने इस संस्थान को वो चीस [चीज़] दी जिसकी हमें सख्त ज़रुरत थी| स्तन! स्तन होता सबी [सभी] के पास है, सब छुपा के रकते है, देता कोई नई [नहीं]| आपने अपना स्तन इस बलत्कारी पुरुष के हाथ में दिया है| अब देकिये यह कैसा इसका उपयोग करता है|
इस स्वर्ण अवसर पर एक श्लोक याद आ रहे है…
उत्तमम दधददात पादम,
मध्यम पादम थुचुक थुचुक,
घनिष्ठः थुड़थुडी पादम,
सुरसुरी प्राण घातकम|
IPL: Behind the Doors
Due to the rising security concern, Indian government decided not to hold IPL in India. BCCI decided to take IPL abroad. The franchise owners became apprehensive of this move and decided to pull out. According to them IPL outside India was not a profitable venture. Franchise owners Shahrukh, Preity, Mallya, Nita, Shilpa met Lalit Modi to get back the money they had already invested in IPL.
SRK: Let me speak first since I am number 1. I feel cheated, now that IPL is not taking place in India. You have fooled us all, Modi. Give me back my goddam money. And it should all be in 1 rupee coins, coz I am number 1.
Shilpa: Yes and I should be the one to get it first. I have no work. I am ageing and everybody wants me to shut up and bounce. I am fed up of all this. Even my boyfriend has this accent that everyone teases me about.
Preity: Oh! you greedy lady. I should get back the money first. Even I have no work. At least you have a boyfriend who bought the team for you. I am not even sure if I have a boyfriend anymore. I tried hitting on Yuvi but his father won’t let me anywhere near him.
Mallya: What about me, I lost in F1, I bought Gandhi belongings. I am broke. I even lost my pride having been thrashed in IPL1. I should get the money first. My yacht needs repair. Situation is so bad that I can’t even afford a drink.
Nita: Hey what about us? You know we purchased this new dining table for our new 10000 crore home and would you believe, 2 diamonds went missing. The dealer said that dining table had exactly 78 embedded diamonds when he dispatched it. Mukesh counted twice and found only 76. We should get the money first. We are in a bad shape.
Modi: Welcome you all, I haven’t slept for 20 days, haven’t eaten for 12 days, haven’t bathed for 10 days. I have become a football between State and Centre, Centre and State. I have made enough time tables to qualify as the principal of any college. Deal with Sony broke off. Govt withdrew permission to hold matches. Wife needs new jewellery. Kids want to holiday abroad. I have enough problems of my own. And you Guys come here asking for money. Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai? Insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for next 15 minutes)
SRK: I think he has gone mad.
Shilpa: What about my money? You shouldn’t have been so greedy Preity. It’s all because of you that he has gone mad.
Preity: So now it’s me? Why don’t you just shut up and bounce. What about Nita? Her diamonds have to go missing now only?
Nita: Mukesh is always the one with progressive thinking. We always look forward in life. What is past is past. I don’t want to talk about Anil and the spat. Its not to be discussed in public. Mukesh is always…
Mallya: She forgot again when to say what. I have asked Muskesh a lot of times not to send his wife where money is involved. Or at least ask her not to mix the lines. She think she is on TV.
SRK: Hush…hush, looks like Modi is coming back to senses. So when are we getting back our money, Mr Modi? I never wanted my captain. My captain never wanted my wicketkeeper. My wicketkeeper got injured. I myself am injured. Give me back my money.
Modi: Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai, insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for another 15 minutes)
Everybody: Seems like he is making a fool of us. He won’t give our money easily.
SRK: Let me show him my six pack. Isko iska rab yaad aa jaayega.
Shilpa: I will not shut up any more. Don’t let me call Raj to make you bounce Modi.
Preity: I have not forgotten the slap on my player SreeSanth. Don’t make me revenge it on you.
Mallya (took a drink): F1 asked me to leave Force India, India asked me to leave IPL, now you are asking me to leave the money. Hic! I object. Give me my money. Hic! I object.
Nita: If you don’t give me back my money, Anil will become richer than us. If he gets richer toh do baatein ho sakti hain. And since I don’t remember any of the two, give me back my money so that Anil doesn’t get richer than us.
Modi: I am fed up of you guys. I love the money. I will not give it back. I think I’ll run away to South Africa.
Everybody: Let’s follow him till we get our money back.
And they all left for South Africa.
Disclaimer: This is an art of fiction. Nothing written here should be taken seriously. It has no relation to anyone living or dead.
Cult Movies: Down the memory lane
Cult movies is an altogether different phenomenon. Once in a while there comes a movie which is followed widely across the college campuses. You could see everyone humming the songs, enacting the dialogues and discussing it all over. They are not bound by the movie being a hit or a flop, good or bad. They are there on the merit of clicking with the youngistan, so to say. During my college days I came across a number of such cult movies, which were watched repeatedly, each time with as much excitement.
1. Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein: It was released during my school days. I remember everyone going, “Maddy..Maddy” The tiffs between Saif and Madhavan were legendary. The ever cute Reena Malhotra and the innocent and lovable Madhav Shastri were a treat to watch. When the car stopped in the middle of the night and Madhavan tried to explain to Dia, what was really on his mind. Superb. I came to know more about its cult status when I came to college. Regardless of it not being a hit, it was loved by one and all. At least across the colleges.
2. Haasil: Another of such movie which made a huge impact on an entire generation. One which made Irfan Khan a household name when he went like, “Kya Bhaiyya…pehchante ho na humein?” It went on to become a dialogue which replaced the hi’s n hello’s The arrogance of Ranvijay Singh, the politics of Gauri Shanker and the innocence of Aniruddha. A Gem. I don’t remember how many times have I watched this movie with my friends. What I remember is lip-synching each and every dialogue, having learned it by heart. “Vaayu ko ulta karte ho to kya banta hai? Yuva”, “Bolo Jai Bharat” and million of such superb dialogues is what made Haasil. A realistic account of college politics which struck the cord with the college Junta.
3. Gunda: This movie followed the theory that number line is circular, –∞ and +∞ do meet, just as -1 and +1 meet at 0. This movie was so bad that it became a favorite of millions. Every dialogue was like a short poetry and Kanti Shah knew how to make them lewd. “Mera naam hai bulla, main rakhta hoon kullaaa”, became an introductory dialogue. There were blog sites dedicated to Gunda. There were discussions as to the sequence of various scenes in the movie. The blogs that were initially started as satire helped in propelling the movie to the cult status. Did Shankar worked as a Coolie at the airport still remains one of the very many unanswered questions. There was even a bid to make it the highest ranked movie on imdb. It still has a respectable 8.4 rating despite an effort of sabotage. Thanks to the Gunda fans.
4. Dev. D: This recent take on Devdas, is what made me write this article. Will it become a cult movie? Now that I am no longer in college, I would never really know. But it seems to have all the ingredients. First of all the songs are bound to become the theme of every daaru party. The dialogues are superb too. “Jaa ke chad apne buddhe pe”, “Tumhein tumhari aukaat bata rahi hoon” and other such dialogues would easily find their place in the life of college going junta. Also there is no dearth of Dev’s and Paro’s. Going by the superb story, acting and direction, I have no doubt that it would be the next cult movie. I so miss to be in college right now!
Ghajini Music: A winner at hand
Music of Ghajini is out finally. It seemed like eternity. On the face of it Aamir+Rahman sounds to be an unbeatable combo. So what does this album have in store for us?
Before going into further, I want to admit that I am not an expert when it comes to the intricacies of music, the nodes and beats so to say. For me the music should be pleasant to hear. One thing I have learned over the years is that there are two kinds of music, one which clicks instantaneously and the other which takes time to grow. Usually Rahmans music is of the latter category (consider Yuvvraaj).
I perform a simple test while rating any album. While at office, I put on my earplug and leave the album on repeat mode. The music which keeps me working and not makes me throw of the earplug is the one that’s good for me. So does Ghajini pass the test?
Yes completely. It takes time to grow, but once it does, it’s addictive. In fact couple of songs click at the first go itself.
Aye Bachchu and Latoo even took my concentration off the work for moments. Both songs are high on octane, compared to the others on the album. They are the ones which will force you to listen to them. Clear winner.
Bekha and Gujarish go with the flow; you would want to listen to them on repeat mode.
The only song which has not got to my ears yet is Kaise Mujhe. I have listened to the album for almost 10-12 times on repeat mode already, but every time I tend to lose Kaise Mujhe. It just goes unnoticed. But still it’s not bad as I haven’t thrown off my earplug yet.
Its 4/5 for me. Rahman betters himself every time. If we thought Jaane Tu was the height this year, well the Everest has grown further.
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