Posts Tagged ‘india’
IPL: Behind the Doors
Due to the rising security concern, Indian government decided not to hold IPL in India. BCCI decided to take IPL abroad. The franchise owners became apprehensive of this move and decided to pull out. According to them IPL outside India was not a profitable venture. Franchise owners Shahrukh, Preity, Mallya, Nita, Shilpa met Lalit Modi to get back the money they had already invested in IPL.
SRK: Let me speak first since I am number 1. I feel cheated, now that IPL is not taking place in India. You have fooled us all, Modi. Give me back my goddam money. And it should all be in 1 rupee coins, coz I am number 1.
Shilpa: Yes and I should be the one to get it first. I have no work. I am ageing and everybody wants me to shut up and bounce. I am fed up of all this. Even my boyfriend has this accent that everyone teases me about.
Preity: Oh! you greedy lady. I should get back the money first. Even I have no work. At least you have a boyfriend who bought the team for you. I am not even sure if I have a boyfriend anymore. I tried hitting on Yuvi but his father won’t let me anywhere near him.
Mallya: What about me, I lost in F1, I bought Gandhi belongings. I am broke. I even lost my pride having been thrashed in IPL1. I should get the money first. My yacht needs repair. Situation is so bad that I can’t even afford a drink.
Nita: Hey what about us? You know we purchased this new dining table for our new 10000 crore home and would you believe, 2 diamonds went missing. The dealer said that dining table had exactly 78 embedded diamonds when he dispatched it. Mukesh counted twice and found only 76. We should get the money first. We are in a bad shape.
Modi: Welcome you all, I haven’t slept for 20 days, haven’t eaten for 12 days, haven’t bathed for 10 days. I have become a football between State and Centre, Centre and State. I have made enough time tables to qualify as the principal of any college. Deal with Sony broke off. Govt withdrew permission to hold matches. Wife needs new jewellery. Kids want to holiday abroad. I have enough problems of my own. And you Guys come here asking for money. Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai? Insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for next 15 minutes)
SRK: I think he has gone mad.
Shilpa: What about my money? You shouldn’t have been so greedy Preity. It’s all because of you that he has gone mad.
Preity: So now it’s me? Why don’t you just shut up and bounce. What about Nita? Her diamonds have to go missing now only?
Nita: Mukesh is always the one with progressive thinking. We always look forward in life. What is past is past. I don’t want to talk about Anil and the spat. Its not to be discussed in public. Mukesh is always…
Mallya: She forgot again when to say what. I have asked Muskesh a lot of times not to send his wife where money is involved. Or at least ask her not to mix the lines. She think she is on TV.
SRK: Hush…hush, looks like Modi is coming back to senses. So when are we getting back our money, Mr Modi? I never wanted my captain. My captain never wanted my wicketkeeper. My wicketkeeper got injured. I myself am injured. Give me back my money.
Modi: Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai, insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for another 15 minutes)
Everybody: Seems like he is making a fool of us. He won’t give our money easily.
SRK: Let me show him my six pack. Isko iska rab yaad aa jaayega.
Shilpa: I will not shut up any more. Don’t let me call Raj to make you bounce Modi.
Preity: I have not forgotten the slap on my player SreeSanth. Don’t make me revenge it on you.
Mallya (took a drink): F1 asked me to leave Force India, India asked me to leave IPL, now you are asking me to leave the money. Hic! I object. Give me my money. Hic! I object.
Nita: If you don’t give me back my money, Anil will become richer than us. If he gets richer toh do baatein ho sakti hain. And since I don’t remember any of the two, give me back my money so that Anil doesn’t get richer than us.
Modi: I am fed up of you guys. I love the money. I will not give it back. I think I’ll run away to South Africa.
Everybody: Let’s follow him till we get our money back.
And they all left for South Africa.
Disclaimer: This is an art of fiction. Nothing written here should be taken seriously. It has no relation to anyone living or dead.
Indian National Congress Hand: The Origin
Listening to the interim budget on television, my mind diverted from Pranab Mukherjee to Congress to its election symbol, the Hand. 15 minutes or so of googling and a coke later, I was still not able to find any definite story behind the Indian national congress election symbol. This led me to use my brain and come out with truth. Here it is. As transparent as it could be.
Hand covering the tri colours stood then for the coming unassuming reign of INC, in that sense Indira after the split of Congress.
Where have you seen this hand so prominently? What else could you relate with this? Guessed right. Budhha.
So is the INC hand, Buddha’s hand. Was Congress after the split based on the principles of Buddha. Was Buddha in any way the originator of the idea of Congress. Did Indira anticipated that like Buddha left the palace, Congress would have to leave Delhi, ousted by Janta Party in near future.
See the composure of the hand. It seems relaxed. It seems preaching. It seems, yes, in Aashirwaad (blessing) mode.
Is a father blessing his son. Or is it motherly compassion.
Or is it the divine blessing via Congress to the people of India? Probably.
Is it the bribing hand. Given the rampant corruption, it might be a message from the future, hinting at the coming corruption and an era of bribes.
During the emergency, was this a slap on the face of the voters. The public.
And Junta was left to do nothing but slap its own head with its hand.
During election campaign 2004-05, this was projected as a helping hand to the poor people.
Now whether the public felt it later as a pickpocket hand is a question to reckon.
I read that during the last general elections, the palm lines were changes in accordance with a palmist. So it may be a palm which carries future of the country concealed in the palm lines. Hope it be the truth.
Terrorism Apologist: What does it really mean?
Recently I was having a discussion with my friends over Mumbai terror attacks. It started from Taj, moved over to the usual Pak bashing to Jehadi terrorism to the sensitive topic of role of Indian Muslims. One suggestion was a stern action against the terrorists wiping out each and every sleeper cell in the country. It supported a free hand to security agencies to do what needs to be done. It was countered by equally deft argumnet that not all Muslims are terrorists and that terrorism has no religion. No sooner was this statement made than there was an off-cut remark about us being terrorism-apologists. I was very much intrigued with the term terrorism-apologist. I tried to Google it out but it seemed to be a relatively new term and not much could be found. I found few articles in which this term was used. No exact definition was found though.
From the articles and reports in which it was used, lets try and find the real meaning of the term terrorism-apologist.
During war on Iraq too, this term “terrorism-apologist” was much in circulation in US. There was a professor at UT-San Antonio who was termed a “terrorism-apologist” in an article. My understanding of the term goes something like this, terrorism-apologists don’t try and justify the terror attacks as the term might suggest. It’s clearly not their intention. What they do is raise some social issues in the support of the terrorists. According to them, it’s we who have made them terrorists (coz agar hum naa hote, toh yeh terrorist bhi naa hote waala funda), so it’s we who are to apologize for making a terrorist out of them. Let’s be fair, they don’t defend and justify the work of terrorists, they try and defend the terrorists instead. They invoke the cause and effect theory as an argument.
To quote the professor from the said article, “It is rejection of U.S. and British policies in the Middle East, not Islam, that has promoted terrorism against America…95 percent of Middle Easterners are Muslims…it is only natural that those opposing the United States and Britain in the region would be Muslims. In India, they would have been Hindu; in Latin America or Northern Ireland, they would have been Catholic.”
Their arguments that, “Islam does not preach terrorism” and “Not all Muslims are terrorists” is well respected and not much disputed, but usually they tend to overdo themselves, create a ruckus thereby posing as a hindrance to the security forces.
I found once such example in India recently. A leading lady from Bollywood tried to connect terrorism with the poor and illiterate state of Muslims, “Injustice to Muslims is the foundation of terrorism”, she commented. To quote her further, “Do you know what percent of Islamic population is living below the poverty line? It’s 40%…There are certain segments of the society which have not got its due, whether you agree or not…When people are poor and have no where to go, they have no choice but to turn into radicals…”.
Ideally her views should have created mixed feelings. However given the backdrop of Mumbai attacks, there was an outrage against her comments and she needed to tender an apology. One may find her to be a terrorism-apologist. After all, Naxalism and Terrorism are two different phenomenons. Let’s not try and mix them. Those who mix them may be termed terrorism apologists.
Some say that this whole idea is nothing but a figment of imagination of the right wing people. But again the issue is open for contention. Maybe next up for discussion should be Naxalism v/s Terrosim for us to get a clear answer to our Holy Grail.
Cricket: A generation lost
How many times does it happen that you read an article that makes you emotional. I read this article on Cricinfo recently and it really made me feel like crying. How true the article was about the Ganguly, Kumble, Sachin, Dravid, the Fab4. How they made cricket to intertwine with our lives and made us avid cricket fans. The article talks about the vacuum in the life of an entire generation which had grown up watching the maestros.
I feel like an ungrateful having wanted Ganguly, Sachin, Dravid retire at various times. How much we wanted them all to retire after Sri Lanka series. To see two of them leave, its sinking feeling deep down. I don’t have strength to see Dravid retire now, form or not. They were like the founders of the religion. Dhoni’s, Sehwag’s, Gambhir’s are true worthy, but they are just the followers of that religion. Mere mortals. Consider what match fixing did to Pakistan team. Their stocks nose-dived. Had it not been for Sachin, Dravid, Ganguly, Kumble, Indian criket would have taken very hard to rise from the abyss. Salute to you guys. I will miss them a lot. I have somehow digested loss of Ganguly and Kumble but I am not sure I would want to watch Test cricket sans Sachin and Dravid.
EMI: Behind the Spirit of Mumbai
In midst of the recent Terror attack on Mumbai, there has been a phrase which is circulating around, “The Spirit of Mumbai”. It drives in a sudden rush of blood. Doesn’t it? It sounds real might and courage. Ultimate fighting spirit and respect to the nation. Whatever happens, life goes on in Mumbai. Such is the spirit of Mumbai. We saw it at the time of local train blasts, when the very next day, local was running full load. However resounding it may seem, it rides on a highly depressing fact, which really no one wants to touch. It’s the compulsion or mazboori as we call it that keeps Mumbai running. If we call the same “the spirit” then so be it.
What’s the compulsion on Mumbaikars that don’t/won’t let them stop? Is it the “never say die attitude” or “I can’t afford to die, helplessness”. What is it? Let’s enquire.
Recently there was a movie EMI which came with a tagline, “liya hai to chukana hi padega” i.e. you have to pay back anyhow. It’s real sad to hear but yes, it’s true. Most of us have EMI compulsions. These EMI are not always of a bank per say. The monthly bill of the grocer, the milkman, the electricity, the water, the children’s school fees, the doctors’ bill for ailing mother, the tension of marriage of the unmarried sister, the landlords’ constant calls for rent, the innocent face of the family that wants to go the new movie, the bare wrists of the wife in need of golden bangles…The list is endless. All these are the EMIs that keep us, Mumbaikars, going. What would we do, if not travel via local? The office is open. We need to work to get paid. The drive of the monthly pay check never let us cease. People call it the spirit.
Authorities take shelter behind this Spirit and we tend to forget the tragedy. Let’s not mistake our helplessness and compulsions to perform, as our Spirit. Each and every Mumbaikar dread for the safety and security of his/her family. It’s an expected behavior. The problem is that we tend to forget and never learn from these attacks. We just say that Mumbai is standing unshaken. We are shaken, we are scared but there’s no other way round for us but to keep going. The EMI is too strong a force to let us stop.
India Australia Series: Is the hype real?
Of Late, India-Australia Cricket has become a huge affair. No stone remains unturned towards a memorable and saleable experience. Same goes for the current Test series. While Players are busy churning out high quality of cricket, Media is busy churning out equally sensational stuff. Let me put down a few from both print and visual media.
Why did Ganguly announce sudden retirement?
The Holy Grail! The news channel famous for its sting ops claimed to have laid its hands on the “real” truth. Whole affair was portrayed as some Watergate scandal waiting to be unearthed. The news went, “Ganguly ki beizzati ki thi tyaari. Dada ko nahin chahiye thi yeh beizzati. Dada ne kiya kinare hone ka faisla”. According to the channel, Kumble had plans to leave out Ganguly from the first test match squad. He wanted to avenge the insult that Ganguly laid on him by not playing him during the 2003 World Cup despite his constant pleads. According to the “well placed” sources it would not be possible for Kumble to keep Ganguly out now.
Kumble and the 2 CD’s
The same channel claimed that Kumble-the captain have played 2 VCD’s to the team. First one contained clippings from the farcical Sydney test, Australia claiming dropped catches and the Monkeygate scandal. The second one relived Kolkata 2001. It got players pumped up. CD may or may not have pumped up the players but this news would for sure have left viewers boiling and hungry for revenge against the Australians.
Oz media slam Ganguly for delaying tactics in ‘farcical draw’
This was a heading from the PTI. I searched online for related articles by the Australian media. I checked Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and others but couldn’t find any such report. What I found was a single article titled “Farcical draw like kissing mother-in-law” by some Andrew McKinlay. PTI claimed as if the entire Oz media was after Ganguly.
Recently, according to a report BCCI advised a sports channel not to advertise this as revenge and hatred filled series. Whatever be the case, sometimes such reporting do help in keeping up the popularity of the sport. I for one enjoyed run-in’s between Zaheer and Haddin, Shane Watson’s antics and Brett Lee’s glare a lot among other things. In fact I might not have enjoyed the match so much but for the media backed controversies.
Indian Economy Strong: Funda-mentally
Last few days have witnessed regular assurances from finance ministry, RBI governor, CEO of leading Indian banks as to how India would weather the global financial storm. All the assurances had one thing in common, “The fundamentals of our economy are very strong”. What these financial fundamentals really are? How to understand them? Well, I have one approach ready for you. As they say “Cinema reflects the Society”, let’s start our search for the economic fundamentals via the fundamentals of Indian cinema.
“Thakur, jaan pyaari hai toh Tijori ki chabiyaan nikaal”. Who doesn’t remember this legendary line? Immortalized by Thakurs ranging from Kanhaiyyalal to Madanlal and Dacoits cum Robinhoods ranging from Raj Kumar to Sunil Dutt. Another such scene is where the greedy Thakur opens his Tijori to lend money to the poor Kisaan at high interest rate. Here the most important fundamental is Tijori. Our society too cherished this personal Tijori. Down the years, the Tijori got replaced by a bank locker for quite a few. Barring the recent trends, we are not known to be ardent investors. We do save money but most of us do not invest in other than the popular LIC policies. We all have such Tijori’s which keep our money safe and sound if not reap returns. Before you point out the decreasing worth owing to inflation, keep in mind that we usually keep our savings as gold, silver etc. But the Tijori persists.
“Kaam ho jaiyega Seth. Paisa mere Swiss bank account mein pahunch jaana chaiye”. This corruption and surplus black money has helped avert the mortgage crisis in India. Consider a house with market value of 1crore. Usually one pays 50lac in cash and 50lac via cheque. This ratio may vary from 40:60 to 45:55 or vice versa. The cash is what is usually called number 2 ka paisa. For the rest 50lac, we apply for a loan. Even if the property rates fall to say 80lac (from 1cr initially), unlike Americans we don’t forego our property to the bank. After all the current market rate is still greater than the loan due. So the black money in property business has not let mortgage crises come to India in the way it has rattled US. (for more read http://www.swaminomics.org/articles/20080330.htm)
“Madam hum ICUC bank se aaye hain. Aap loan chuka dijiye warna hum bahut kameeney log hain”. This dialogue delivered with pure sincerity in the movie “One Two Three”, gives us clear insight as to the low default rate in India. The loan is distributed via agents and settled via another set of agents, while the bank sits pretty. Should the leading banks go the legal way, it would take them at least 20 years to settle. Agree or not, this so called extortion has kept the so called fundamentals of our economy sound.
“Bhaisahab yeh Mangal-Sutra girvi rakh leejiye”. Nirupa Roy in need of money for the treatment of her sick son. Here mangalsutra is the key. Most of the Indian families have household jewellery. Ask your mother for confirmation. Regardless of the bank balance, there have to be sufficient diamond/gold/silver ornaments to be worn at various ceremonies. This domestic wealth is the one which has helped many a family sail through the dark times.
Various categories of PJ’s
Name: Poor Joke (PJ)
Age: Unknown
Effect: Deadly, Suicidal, Make you cringe, Trigger a sudden pulse down the spinal chord
Know As: Khatta (sour), Maaru (deadly)
Having spent some considerable time devouring each and every PJ that came by, I have tried to divide them into certain categories based on their characteristics.
- Story Time: Lengthy ones
Seriously long!. Come with a narration. An old house, the old lady, one untimely accident, a sudden death. After a grueling half n hour or so, either we have to answer a simple question or suggest a moral to the story. Believe you me; if you tried as much to think, you would definitely commit suicide.
Q There was a bus conductor. He was very rude. Due to his fault a lot of people used to get killed. Each time he was arrested-produced before the court-sent to the electric chair. Each time he survived. Realizing his mistake, he became a good man. Once when he tried to help somebody, he was again arrested-produced before the court-sent to the electric chair. This time he died instantaneously. The question is why?
A Earlier he was a Bad Conductor so electricity couldn’t pass through. Later he became a Good Conductor, electricity passed through. He died. (based on http://www.dctorrent.com/f204/deadly-pj-23733/)
- Stand on the shoulder of Giants: Remember the Titans
A PJ is told. We are subjected to another four-five PJ’s. The last PJ is a Q n A type. The answer to it lies in the very first PJ. It leaves you wondering, “I knew the answer all along”. One classical example is the “Elephant in the fridge”.
Q How will you put a camel in the fridge?
A Open the door. Put the camel in. Close the door.
Q How will you put an elephant in the fridge?
A Open the door. Take the camel out. Put the elephant in. Close the door.
..…
…. 4-5 questions
….
Q You are in a plane moving out from one city to another with all your belongings. Suddenly the plane starts losing height. Pilot asks each passenger to throw out the heavy items. What would you do?
A Of course. Open the fridge and throw out the elephant.
..…
….Another 4-5 questions
….
Q Two guys are standing by the side of a swimming pool. One of them jumps in. The other one didn’t know how to swim, so he remain outside. The one standing by the pool dies. Why?
A Easy. The elephant you threw out fell on him. Arrrggghhh!!! (based on: http://www.akhilesh.in/life/fun/jokes/pj0041TestYourCommonSenseRevisited.php)
- What is the meaning?
These are the smaller ones. You just have to find the meaning of some simple statement.
Santa meets his friend Bunta
Santa: A and B, A and B, A and B, A and B, A and B…!
Bunta: Oye, Iska Matlab ?
Santa: Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..!
(Source: http://www.killerpj.com/index.php?sbjoke_id=290)
- Singing Daisy
Answer lies in some famous song. I am sure all of you might have read the following two.
Q Ganesh ko Anesh kisne banaya
A Kailash Kher ne. Tere naam se G loon. Tere naam se mar jaoon.
Q How will you light a cigarette in a boat without a matchstick?
A Take some water in your hand. Let it pass drop by drop. Tip Tip barsa paani, paani ne aag lagayi. Use it to light the cigarette. (based on: http://www.akhilesh.in/life/fun/jokes/pj0062LightACigarette.php)
- Antonym: The opposite
We have to guess the antonym of a particular word. We can solve them if we try and break the word into various Hindi/English sub-words.
Dominoes <—> Domi doesn’t know.
Nag Panchami <—> Nag did not punch me.
- Can’t help it: Main aisa hi hoon
They don’t come with any answer. They are the wackiest ones
Q 3+3=8 How?
A By mistake (Galti se).
Q A hen and three chickens cross a busy road. On reaching the other side, one of the chicks said, “Thank God all 5 of us are safe”. Why did it say “all 5 of us”?
A Come on! It is just a small chick. Small children usually make mistake while counting. (based on: http://www.crazyengineers.com/forum/chillax-chit-chat/30-ridiculous-jokes.html)
- Tag-the-line
The answer lies in a catchy tag line of some ad campaign.
Q A person used to live a normal life. Once he got a call on his idea mobile. It was from a girl. A wrong number, perhaps! Still he talked to her. They fell in love. Got married. One night, when they were sleeping, the wife got murdered. He was implicated in the murder. He cried that he has not killed his wife but to no avail. He was sent to jail. He lived there for 5 years. He broke out of the jail. He ran away from the city. He started living in the forest. He did Tapasya for 5 years. God became happy. He was granted a wish and was made the Prime Minister of the country. What is the moral of the story?
A An idea can change your life!
- Anekta mein Ekta: Regional ones
They are based on Sardars, Madrasis, Bengalis or for that matter Blondes.
The list is not extensive. Perhaps you could categorize them further. Till then I would leave you with this. Why was Indian Cricket team not able to drink Pepsi during their ODI series, Sri Lanka ’08?
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