Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
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Dumb and Beautiful
Disclaimer: Below article is written just for humor. It relates to no factual basis. Writer has utmost love for all the women.
“You all IIT guys are the same. You just want a wife who is beautiful and dumb”, snapped a lady friend. None of the guys there tried to contradict her. We just chuckled, coz she was so bang on!
In fact all guys are same in this regard. At least pathetic guys like me (which are all of us). But don’t women too have certain type-casted guidelines when it comes to men; Rich and Smart. I haven’t found a single girl who wishes to marry and dumb and poor guy.
It’s just animal tendency borne out of evolution. Even animals have certain guidelines for their mates. I think beautiful comes out of attractiveness which in turn would make you mate more resulting in more kids. Darwin at work! Dumb relates to fewer arguments in marital life and in turn, a peaceful and long life.
I take it as a compliment that I am smart enough to understand the importance of dumbness and beauty. But as they say too much of everything leads to diabetes. So is the case here. Too much beauty requires high maintenance. Too much dumb leads to un-compatibility coz of total lack of understanding.
I think the mix of beauty and dumbness that one can handle varies from person to person. That’s what we should look for in a girl. How much beauty/dumb mix can we handle. Every guy has his own measure. Hence every guy has his own match!
Worship Oneself: 330 million Gods
330 million. The number of Gods in Hindu mythology. It has always intrigued me. Who came up with this number? Why it is not 340 million or 350 million? Why is has to be 330 million?
I have been doing a bit of reading on this of late. I have not really understood the rationale behind this number. The only interpretation is that it represents infinity (a very large number). It is said that we do not have 330 million Gods, but 330 million gods. There is only one God, the unison of Holy Trinity, Brahma-Vishnu-Shiva. All other are demi-gods, who themselves worship God.
This very large number is used to represent that Hinduism believe everything is created by God and thus is divine. So everything we see (living/non-living) is divine. We worship all. Thus there is no concept of devil in Hinduism. As devil himself would have to be created by God and would thus be divine. In fact you will find that Shiva never differentiated between even good and bad people. Anyone who did tapasaya was granted a var. It led to even Shiva being threatened once, when he gave an Asura power to kill anybody and that Asura tried to kill Shiva himself.
Hence there is freedom in Hinduism to worship anything and anyone. We worship cows, sun, moon, flowers, stone, water etc. The list is endless. Thus all the egoists, who worship themselves, do nothing wrong. We are created by God and are ourselves divine. Self-worshipping not only takes less time buy also saves money.
Cardinal Sin and The Twisted Ankle
After a tiring day in Kolkata, me and a friend of mine decided to catch the late night show of Once upon a Time in Mumbai Dobara. We enquired about a theatre near our hotel and caught a ride.
I was standing in the ticket queue when something caught my eye. I don’t really know what it was, Was it the Smile, Was it the Innocence, Was it the Eyes, Was it the Dress. I just kept looking unaware of the world. There was this girl in green, with the Smile that puts Mona Lisa to shame, with the Innocence that defies this world, with the Eyes that penetrates the heart. It took me a while to realize she was with a guy and took a while more to realize that she was recently married, given the prominent Mehandi on her hands.
She was ahead of me in the queue, I bought the tickets and went inside. I lined up to buy some popcorn and there she was again, in the same queue. I was struggling hard not to gaze at her, given the consequences that could result in. The movie ended sometime later. I caught a glimpse of her during the interval. She was not just with her husband, but with full family.
Show got over at around 2 in the night. I strolled to the exit. There she was with her family. Perhaps my last chance to look at her. My friend had stopped a taxi and called out to me. I walked towards the taxi but kept looking sideways gazing her.
Just then I felt a jolt and fell down with an excruciating pain. I hadn’t noticed that I was crossing over from high footpath on to a low road. I had mis-stepped and badly twisted my ankle. I saw her getting into a car and fading away. For moment the pain stopped along with the time. As she went away the pain came back and I could see my friend bent over laughing.
If she was Eve, I just paid my dues for the Cardinal sin of Lust.
Shahrukh Frooti Ad: Meaning of Lyrics
I saw this latest Frooti advertisement featuring Sharukh and simply fell in love with the music, lyrics and concept. Lyrics, though hummable are not entirely clear in meaning.
Aamaletiya stavin crata pile pila,
Aamaletiya merlucchiya pile pila,
Inlorpotamanta tora tut tut tiya,
Less so less in nina amichiya strala,
Aamaletiya stavin crata pile pila – 4
Aameletiya merlucchiya…
I assumed these lyrics are not garbage and tried to de-cypher. What I saw is they are a mix of Japanese, Spanish, Swedish, Hindi, Italian words.
Beautiful and lovely mango, to us highly starving people, you will act as pile of batteries to recharge,
Beautiful and lovely mango, you are partly wicked, you will act as pile of batteries to recharge,
We are salivating greatly agreed, from unpleasant fighting people, we become happiest person in the world,
As it is getting over, like a little girl, it is emitting eternal love,
Beautiful and lovely mango, to us highly starving people, you will act as pile of batteries to recharge – 4
Beautiful and lovely mango, you are partly wicked…
Glossary:
Aam: Hindi, Mango
Letiya: Urban Lingo, Beautiful person, lovely heart
Stavin: Short for starving
Crata: French, might/strength
Pile: Spanish, batteries
Pila: Italian, Pile
Mer: An affix meaning “part”, used in chemistry
Lucchi: Hindi, wicked
Lor: Singapore Lingo, Agree
Pota: Uraban Lingo, Salivating
Manta: Spanish, Great Size
Tora: Japanese, Quarrel
Tut-tut: Urban Lingo, Disapproval
Tiya: Urban Lingo, Happiest person in the world.
Nina: Spanish, Little girl
Ami: Italian, Love
Chiya: Japanese, Eternal
Strala: Swedish, To radiate light
Disclaimer: This is just my view. Chances are, this might be entirey wrong.
2012: The year that wasn’t
Topmost could have been headlines of year 2012.
1. India demolishes Eng 3-0 in the home Test Match Series. Tendulkar hit his first triple ton. Gambhir is vindicated of “see you at home” remark. BCCI decides to scrap away Tests from ICC Future Tours Program. BCCI chief Srinivasan said and I quote “All Tests played in Chennai will be Home Tests and those played elsewhere in the country will be Away Tests”.
2. World not able to witness 21st Dec 2012. Just as predicted by the great “Ronald Emmerich” in his movie 2012, owing to Earth Crust Displacement and massive Earthquakes, 90% of human civilization is wiped off. This news is telecasted from US Space Station. John Cusack is among the survivors.
3. London Olympics 2012, turned out to be a disaster, overshadowing Delhi Common Wealth Games. Kalmadi was grinning from ear to ear with, “I told ya sa” expression. Anacondas and Godzilla’s were cited around athletes’ village. Organizers are blaming it on different perceptions of security standards across the world.
4. US Presidential elections were marred by an act of shooting when a heated argument between Obama and Romney got out of hand. Both took out their M16’s and started shooting at each other and the audience. The audience were already dead of boredom so no harm done.
5. 2012 was landmark year in India as far as women safety was concerned. Women Safety Bill 2012 was passed in the parliament, which led to Women only Police stations and death penalty for rapists. Country saw ZERO rape cases and only handful of eve-teasing incidents this year.
6. AK series phone have made Nokia the market leader in Smart Phones. Foldable screens and Phones which could shoot better than AK47 have done the trick. “We don’t need to buy a gun for Mass Shootings, We buy Nokia instead”, said a consumer. Apple will be filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy during March next year. Samsung is in talk with Yahoo for a possible sellout.
7. United Nations Security Council intervens in the Julian Assange’s case. US/UK could face UN sanctions owing to gross human right violations. Wikileaks brings to light more facts that no one was aware of. “Sun rises in the East”, “Earth is round” and “Blueberry cheese cake is awesome”.
Among other news.
Chuck Norris was not able to kill two birds with one stone. Rajnikant was cited asleep. Superman wore underwear under his pants. Batman finally played cricket. Vivek Oberoi became superstar. Chacha Choudhary got beaten by new Ipad in chess. Manmohan Singh saw movie of his choice.
Back Office in the West
Somewhere during the early ‘90s, everyone realized the immense potential of outsourcing industry. With telecom/data rates on the decline, we saw call centre, KPO, BPO, captive units grow rapidly, changing the lives of a whole generation and realizing the dreams of an entire country.
With jobs, money, prosperity; a slow cultural impregnation has also taken place. We never realized when 31st Dec became the be all and end all of cyclical culmination of celebration. We never realized when Diwali holidays became a rarity and Christmas holidays became a norm. Ladoo/Barfi gave way for Cakes; Jalebis became Donuts; Lassi became too heavy to handle and Coffee light.
All this happened in India coz the jobs coming in were from countries like US, UK etc. I wonder what would have happened if the jobs would have originated from India and Indian culture would have influenced countries around the world.
The light footprint of the world would have been dazzling, the Diwali Night. The next day of Holi, people around the world would have gone schools/colleges/office having tinges of pink/green color on their faces.
A certain person in NY would have woken to Aloo Paratha with butter for breakfast. Haldiram’s would be in place of MacD/Pizza Huts all around the globe. John would have taken his family for a Kachori/Jalebi outing and VadaPao would have been blamed for Indianisation of the west.
In a Hollywood movie Tom Cruise would have a father settled in riches of Mumbai. He would have taken the son to US to get him marry a white girl. A son hell bent on marrying some Priya from Chandigarh. How the Hollywood would have sung, “Come, it’s time to go back”. No Pankaj Udaas, but a certain Snoop Dog would have sung, “A letter from my country” and the American Diaspora would have wept the Nehru Centre.
Mr. Abe would be Shree Abe, or let’s go a step ahead, would have changed his name to Abhimanyu, just to fit in. Roger would have walked into a back office in the heart of London in Kurta Pajama and HR would have coached in how to wear a Pajama with perfect crease. There would have been Chai/Lassi/Thandai machines in the breakouts with a few Charpai thrown in to relax.
The VadaPao/Chola Bhatura joints in NY/London would be decorated with diya’s on Diwali’s eve and people would be discussing, Ram and Sita and the history. People in Italy would protest forceful conversion to Hinduism funded by RSS and would deliberate enacting anti-conversion laws.
Restaurants would be designed so as people would be seated on the floor and waiters serving them food. World economy would be centered in Mumbai with New Delhi bombing countries in South America for their religious extremism and their getting close to develop Nuclear weapon.
I am already ROFL. The potential to explore on this topic is immense but I would excuse myself now lest I think some more and go berserk.
Of Batman and Bollywood
With anxiety about the latest Batman flick running Everest high, Christian Bale is the name on everyone’s lips. This masked and caped vigilante has brought a sense of respect to comic books, missing till now. There have been many a actors who have donned the cowl over the years ranging from the heroic Val Kilmer to the forgettable George Clooney.
This led me to wonder how would the character have panned out had our own Bollywood stars played The Batman. Let see one by one.
| 1. Salman Khan | |
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The accented Khan would have suited best as when he speaks in accent he is hardly intelligible, much like Batman whisper. How awesome would it have sound.
Catwoman: “Tumne Gotham ke liye bahut kuch kiya. Ab bas karo”.
Batman: “Nahin, ek baar jo maine commitment kar di, toh main apne aap k bhi nahin sunta”.
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| 2. Shahrukh Khan | |
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He is no alien to wearing tight body suits and saving the town. Unlike Batman, his sign would be posing sideways with arms stretched out.
Whenever he would do that, Inspector Gordon would run into his arms with music in the background.His melodrama and his enemies would die weeping. Casting Robin for him would be a no brainer! |
| 3. Akshay Kumar | |
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A flirt Batman. A Kishen Kanhiyya. More like Bruce Wayne, partying with models on his yacht. His endless gags one after the another and his enemies would go insane laughing.
Dialogue: “Mein apne desh ka pehla launda hoon jo chimkadad ban ke ud riya hoon.”
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| 4. Ajay Devgn | |
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The Singham Batman would break the fingers when pointed at.
Aata majhi satakli, aali le aali Joker, teri baari aali. The superhero with tilted head would be famous for car chases, blowing and flying cars as he chases his enemies in Bat Car.
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| 5. Saif Ali Khan | |
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The cool urbane Batman with a sheepish smile.
“Ek baar mein samajh gaye ki main Batman hoon ya mein waapas ghoom ke aaoon”.
He has his readymade Batgirl in Kareena. He would roam around flirting with umpteen girls while his enemies would get eliminated. “Bade aaraam se”.
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| 6. Aamir Khan | |
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The perfectionist Batman. He would sleep hanging upside down at the ceiling, lest the character gets diluted. He would surgically get bat wings and paint his face black.
Instead of fighting crimes, would fly away and live with bats in their caves. His logic, Bat’s don’t fight crimes, they just hang upside down and terrorize people. |
| 7. Abhishek Bachchan | |
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This would be the first Batman of its kind. Liberation! Instead of the Cape, he would be donning a gown. Instead of all black, it would be all red and pink.
He would charm his enemies and live with him happily ever after. |
Ek Main Aur Ek Tu: Seriously!
Recently I saw Ek Main Aur Ek Tu (EMAET) featuring Imran (Rahul) and Kareena (Riana). It was tad slow but a good time pass. The movie was meandering towards an expected finale when the director decided to surprise us. Under the pretext of mature ending, Rahul and Riana decided to be Just Friends.
I couldn’t help but LOL literally. How do people let themselves be manipulated like this? Rahul was happy with his life at the end. He was fine with continuing his friendship in the hope of she agreeing to marriage someday. I have serious issues with people who use this Just Friends after egging the other person on. I have further issues with guys/girls who let themselves into this honey trap.
What I hate is Friendship being insulted, which for me is one of the most sacred relationships. If it’s Friendship, it should not be affected by gender. Right? A friend can be a guy or a girl; one should have similar dedication and feeling towards him/her if they are just friends. Agreed? However most of the people never stick to it. The least they can do is be honest about it.
“He took me out for dinner to Taj last night. He is just a friend of mine”. Huh! First of all there are no free lunches dear. Would he have taken a male friend of his to an equally lavish dinner at Taj? Everyone knows the answer. Stop justifying and just admit that you too were leading on.
In EMAET, Rahul is highly ignorant, or we can say he is too blind in love. He is happy at that very moment coz the girl he loves is there to give him company and he hopes that she will marry him someday. What he doesn’t understand is that Riana has specifically explained her position of being Just Friends. Hence she has no commitment and she needs to give no reason for the break-up. What would happen if one day Riana comes and says, “Hi Rahul meet my boyfriend James”. She would have committed no sin, after all she had already told him that they are nothing more than friends and that’s that.
What would happen to Rahul then? He will be devastated. During a breakup, at least you get to know a reason, you argue, fight and split. Here it’s simple plain stupidity. He won’t even be able to ask Why? This is what happens when a guy who has never been in a relationship gets smitten by a girl who has been in string of relationships and vice-versa. To top of it, throw in Just Friends and you being blind in love try to live in the moment and accept it.
It was one of the silliest ending I could have imagined. In real life, guys like Rahul deserve all the pain and agony they face, coz they are that stupid. He should have moved on when he had a fight. If he decided to be just friend, he should have quashed all hopes of the marriage, started afresh.
Anyways for me the ending turned out to be fun and I had a good days’ laugh. Also it gave me a topic to write about.
Top 5 Tips for Girls to Gain Weight
Of late size zero has become a phenomenon. Humanity has never lost so much weight in history as today. What girls tend to forget is that guys like curves. Slim figure is welcome but zero is not. Most thin girls have a phobia that by gaining weight they will look fat. First of all they should shed this inhibition. A little bit of chubbiness adds to the beauty anytime.
For all those single girls whom I have been able to brainwash into gaining weight by my above appeal, here are certain easy tips. Follow them and you will thrive and men will hover around like a beehive.
Tip No 1 – Find a Guy who lives alone
It’s quite easy to find a guy in metro cities who is working there and lives away from family alone. Such guys tend to eat out most of the times rather than cooking. You will start eating out too. Eating out regularly will add that missing kilos in no time.
Tip No 2 – Hit the bed long
Getting lots of sleep is one of the easiest ways to gain weight. A minimum of 8 hours sleep is necessary. Anything above is a bonus. This way weight gain would be like a dream come true.
Tip No 3 – Beer it
Over the centuries ‘Beer belly’ has been one of the most controversial phrase. But it works and how. Drink beer regularly for a month and you wouldn’t believe how lovely you look with those plum cheeks.
Tip No 4 – Don’t flunk the junk
Go junkie! Those Big Macs, fries, pizzas, pastas are a sure shot path towards glory. Never be scared of the food. Eat as much and as junk as you can.
Tip No 5 – Get married
Easiest of them all! Scientists have been wondering over the years as to why Indian women gain weight so quickly as soon as they get married. Regardless of the reason behind, it works. The only flip side is that you are married now.
Bonus Tip: Call me!
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